


Stay in your lane

by hauntedhallow



Category: Girl Interrupted (1999), Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - Movie Fusion, M/M, Mental Institutions, Possessive Behavior, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-16
Updated: 2016-04-14
Packaged: 2018-04-21 02:43:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 43,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4811954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hauntedhallow/pseuds/hauntedhallow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I… don’t know.” was all that Josh could muster “I don’t know what I’m feeling.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story comes from the movie Girl Interrupted, it very similar in most ways and I don't take credit in the story direction. I do take credit in the rest of the writing, what I'm trying to do is to add more emotions to the already fantastic movie and also putting some of my favorite dudes into it! Hope you enjoy it!

Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60’s. Or maybe I was just a boy… interrupted. 

 

Waking up while having, what it felt like, a thousand hands on you wasn’t as scary as Josh first thought it would. More confusing. Where was he? Who were the people that the hands belonged to? Why Josh was more confused than scared had to do with all those Aspirins mixed down with vodka. But of course Josh didn’t understand that right at that moment. All those hands actually belonged to a group of doctors trying to save his life, saving it by tying him down on a stretcher, shoving a tube down his throat and getting the poison out of his body. 

“Put him in restrains,” directed one of the doctors to another “Let’s take some blood for testing.”

Josh who just woke up from consciousness was now very much awake, head snapping at different directions, trying to figure out what was happening.

“Give him 5 milligrams with Valium, IV” the doctors ordered.

“Hold on, dear” cooed a nurse to the hysterical boy on the stretcher, taking his head in her hands.

But a cold sting in Josh’s right arm caught his attention and his eyes was met with the needle piercing his skin and pain flew up his arm and he had to turn his head to the side to throw up. Everything was happening so fast, hands everywhere, voices getting louder and lights blinding.

“Turn his head so he doesn’t get it in his lungs” said another voice, so many voices.

Josh emptied his stomach in the metal bowl beside him, he tasted nothing, he smelled nothing and he was so cold. He had figure out that he in fact was in a hospital, but he hadn’t grasped why. He rolled back onto his back, he could do nothing else than close his eyes and listen to the doctors above him.

“Traces of Aspirin and vodka, I think.” suggested one of the doctors.

“Don’t tell me what you think, take it to the lab.” grunted another.

Josh opened his his eyes lazily. Aspirin? Vodka? Oh. Oh.. Now the memories came back, fuck.

Just as a pair of hands ripped in Josh’s clothes to give him oxygen, he remembered another thing.

“You should check my hand.” Josh mumbled before adding: “There’s no bones in it.”

The doctors loosened the straps on his hands and saw bruises on his wrists.

“Seems like a wrist banger,” a voice said before asking “Is that why you did this?”

Josh, being too overmedicated to think straight, answered “And other things.”

No longer did Josh feel awake but starting to drift off, slowly turning his head to the left and seeing two big doors. Right away did Josh notice the man who was watching him intensely from behind those doors. Death?

“His parents are on their way” said the nurse to the doctor.

Death..?

“Sometimes it’s hard..” started Josh “..for me to stay in one.. one p.. place”

Too many voices, too many hands and too many thoughts. Josh had to keep his eyes shut to keep his thought to a minimum. He just had to rest and stay at one plac-

 

*

“Josh..” said the voice of a man Josh didn’t like, his psychiatrist ” If you had no bones in your hand..”

‘Oh here we go, I am the crazy one just because physics stops working on me, blame the victim’ Josh thought.

“How did you pick up the Aspirin?” Dr Martin finished, giving a slight raise of eyebrows and an unimpressed look.

And there it was, there was no way to change his mind now, in his eyes I’m already crazy. Josh gave him a glare before looking out the window. They where located in Dr Martin’s house. His mom had driven him there, since Josh still lived at home. Josh being 19 years old and still living with his parents wasn’t weird. He was still young and just hadn’t gotten on his feet yet, no job, no income. The world was just too hard for him right now, maybe it always would be. But looking out the window the world didn’t look that bad, living in a peaceful neighborhood with autumn coloring the trees, it looked like a good time to be alive. Or maybe it was because he was stuck indoors with a psychiatrist that he felt the urge to step out and start living. 

A peaceful neighborhood wasn’t all Josh saw this time though, from the window he could see his mother pulling a brown suitcase out of the trunk of their car.

“What is my mother doing?” Josh thought aloud. It was weird, Josh’s parents never traveled, Josh didn’t even know they had a suitcase. What was going on?

“Would you answer my question, please?” Dr Martin said snapping Josh out of his thoughts “How did you pick up the Aspirin if you had no bones in your hand?”

Josh closed his eyes, might as well tell him “By then they had come back.” Josh admitted.

“Ahh,” Dr Martin replied and nodded “I see.”

Josh sighed, he know it would come to this. He pulled out his cigarette pack and pulled one out along with his lighter. He actually hadn’t smoked for too long, it all began with the first time lapses, after that came the stress and cigarettes was a quick solution.

“No. You don’t.” Josh mumbled before putting the cigarette between his lips and teeth.

“Well, indulgence me then.” Dr Martin retorted while Josh lit his cigarette “Explain it to me.”

Josh took a drag of his cigarette, waiting for the feeling of relief it usually gave. Dr Martin was sitting there, across of his own seat, his eyes not leaving Josh while he waited for his answer. They were seated in Dr Martin’s living room, it was normal looking, just like Dr Martin was normal looking. He was dressed in a normal suit, short hair with a mustache and a weak smile. Dr Martin blended in to the room, he was ordinary. Josh didn’t feel like he blended in, like he didn’t fit in, sitting there, smoking french cigarettes, not wearing a suit but black jeans with a striped sweater, hair faded red and short but messy. Maybe Josh looked crazy?

“Explain what?” Josh exhaled “Explain to a doctor that the laws of physics can be suspended? That what goes up may not come down?”  
Josh paused, he heard a noise from the other room. The shriek of the phone ringing. Josh had lost his train of thought.

“Explain… that time.. can move backwards and forwards.. and now and then and back again.. and that you can’t control it?”

Josh tried his best to keep talking, but once again he was interrupted, this time by the family dog’s barking.

“Why can’t you control it?” Dr Martin asked, his face serious.

The dog kept barking and it started making Josh dizzy, lightheaded and he started to shake slightly. The barks, so loud.

“What?” Josh saked, blinking hard to concentrate.

“Why can’t you control time?” repeated Dr Martin, giving another raise of eyebrows.

Josh’s head snapped to the dog who was sitting on the floor barking at nothing in particular.

 

-Time jump - Fathers Birthday

 

Josh snuck in through the backdoor which led to the kitchen. As he already had guessed thanks to the cars parked in front of their house, the party had started earlier than he had thought. The house was filled with voices and happy laughter. Ella, the family dog, who was locked in the kitchen so she wouldn’t disturb any guests had noticed Josh’s entrance and her famous barking joined the guests noises. Josh approached the kitchen table where his dad's birthday cake stood waiting. “Happy Birthday” it said simply. From behind Josh came his mother in clicking heels and a fast pace, which just added to the thousand noises in their house.

“Ella shhh,” she snapped towards the dog before walking up to Josh “Where were you? Everyone’s here, come on.”  
She rushed Josh out of the kitchen and into the sea of people in the their dining room. 

“Mary, you remember Josh.” Josh’s mom had put the angry, annoyed mother voice to rest and had instead a cheerful tone.

“Oh, yes I do, yes I do” answered Mary who was looking him up and down, he was underdressed to say the least.

Josh said some quick “hellos” to the people he recognized and didn’t recognized. Waving slightly and smiling weakly, he didn’t feel welcomed, like he didn’t fit in. Josh’s mother continued to drag him along, also she had noticed his poor choice of clothing. 

“So this is what you’re wearing?” she demanded to know in the less crowded hallway towards the living room, her annoyed voice only heard in Josh’s presence.

Josh looked down on his plain white t-shirt and ripped, faded jeans. He normally didn’t care what he was wearing, but being around his parents prude friend made him care a large amount. He tugged a little on the hem of his t-shirt and didn’t look up at his mother.

“I didn’t know it would be so early, I would’ve changed” mumbled Josh, still self aware of his poor looks.

Instead of lecturing him or even answering Josh she put on a big smile for the guests in the living room and spoke up.

“Hey everybody, look who’s here” she grinned and put her hands on Josh’s shoulders.

The crowd reacted with “hi”s and “hello”s and Josh greeted back. Josh’s father was also in the room so he turned towards his dad.

“Happy birthday, dad.” he said smiling and slightly raising his hand in a wave.

“Thank you, son.” Josh’s dad smiled back and raised his glass towards him in response.

From across the room they could see one of Josh’s friends mother making her way through the crowd. She had left her glass with her husband and was planing on coming up to say hello to Josh. The husband in question was a cheating scumbag, but only Josh knew that, because he was the one who once had sex with him. For school problems, you see, the husband -Mr Neal- was a professor in Josh’s math class and when Josh was facing an F in math, Mr Dawson were there to help. For a price of course. Frank only thought of this now because he hadn’t seen Mr Neal since graduation. And it was nothing short of an embarrassment to see him at his house, with his wife, and he had to keep himself from getting red in the face of embarrassment. 

“Josh!” Mrs Neal called from where she was, struggling to get through the crowd. 

“Principal Neal’s wife” Franks mom mumbled in his ear, expecting him not to know.

Mrs Neal finally made it through and now stood in front of Josh and his mother. 

“Barbara Neal. Do you remember me?” she asked Josh smiling a wide and bright smile “Mark’s mom, I’m Mark’s mom.”

“Yeah” Josh replied while nodding, trying to smile but it was hard when Mr Neal’s eyes was burning through Josh’s entire body.

“Your skin is so beautiful” she continued, eyes scanning his face. 

The looks and glares almost got too much for Josh and he started to lose concentration.

“So Mark was in your literature class, wasn’t he?”

“Y-Yeah, how is he doing?” Josh kindly asked, cheeks starting to hurt from fake smiling.

“He just got excepted to Radcliffe,” she never missed the chance to brag “What a conundrum! George was a Wellesley student himself, but I think young men should just make up their own mind, don’t you think so?” she laughed. 

Josh didn’t laugh, he wasn’t feeling good at all anymore. His mothers hand still weighting on his shoulder, still all these stares and still these fucking clothes.

 

-Real time-

“Josh.” Dr Martin’s voice once again snapping Josh out of his thoughts “Are you stoned?”

Josh didn’t know what to answer, why was he asking this? It was totally quiet in the room, only the clock ticking and bird chirping broke the silence. 

“Have you smoked pot?” he added “Taken LSD?”

Josh, still didn’t make any effort to speak, looked down at his cigarette which had burnt down to the filter and was now a stick of ashes. How long had he been gone? Why did he go back to that time, why did time do this? He remembered Dr Martin’s question Why could he not control it? He shook his head to answer no, he hadn’t taken any drugs. Josh reached his arm out to toss the cigarette in the ashtray, still feeling-

“How do you feel right know?” Dr Martin wanted to know, only a small amount of concern on his face. Josh had a feeling that he where just where Dr Martin wanted him to be.

“I… don’t know.” was all that Josh could muster “I don’t know what I’m feeling.” 

It was the truth, why did time take him back to that party, how did he feel about it. What will happen now? He knew he had given Dr Martin a wrong answer, not a false answer, but just the wrong one.

“You need a rest” Dr Martin said a-matter-of-factly.

Josh hadn’t expected that, he didn’t know what he had expected but it wasn’t that. Now he knew what he was feeling, relief, even with out the cigarette.

“Then that’s what I’ll do, go to my room and that a nap-” Josh said in a calm but sure voice.

“No, no,” Dr Martin said and Josh could feel his chest sink “You need to go somewhere where you can get a genuine rest. And you’re very lucky. The best place in the world for someone like you is less than a half an hour from here.”

Josh had gone from strangely stiff to just numb. Fuck, double fuck. Shit.

“You don’t mean Claymoore?” Josh asked no emotion in his voice. 

Claymoore was this districts mental institution, where mentally ill people lived. How would Josh be able to rest there? Why should he rest there and not on his own bed? Josh had walked right in to Dr Martin’s trap and now he will be locked away and they will throw away the key. Or that’s what Josh thought.

“Josh… Four days ago you mixed a bottle with Aspirin with a bottle of vodka.” reminded Dr Martin.

“I.. had a headache.” argued Josh slowly.

“Josh” Dr Martin sighed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees “Your father is a friend of mine, he’s a colleague. He asked me to see you, even though I don’t do this any more. You’re hurting everyone around you.”

If Josh didn’t know he was right he would have thought that was a bad thing for a doctor to say. But he was right, Josh did nothing else than hurt his loved ones and putting weight on them. He was dead weight, a disappointment, a sore toe. He guess they wanted him to go away, away to this home for nutcases. Josh hadn’t noticed it a first but his eyes had started to water and he had to keep his eye everywhere but on Dr Martin in hopes he wouldn’t see. 

“Claymoore is a topnotch place.” Dr Martin continued in a soft voice, maybe he had noticed the watery eyes “A lot of people go there, even musicians, like you.”

Dr Martin got up of his chair and walked over to his his phone to make a call. Guess that was the end of that conversation, Josh was going and it felt like he had no power to change it. But he stayed seated in his chair, looking out of the window once again. Peaceful and wonderful, freedom. He was just going a way for some rest, he wasn’t going to get locked in, his freedom wasn’t taken from him just put away for some time.

“Good.” Josh whispered to himself.

Josh could hear Dr Martin slowly dialing a number in on the phone, turning each number in a loud matter. Josh looked down on the small table to his right, seeing a pile of books. The book on the top of the pile said “The inner workings of the mind” in orange letters. Josh lazily turned the book to study the book's backside, first thing he saw was a picture of Dr Martin in the top left corner. Josh put the book down, he was kind of moving on his own, moving his hands to distract his mind. He closed his eyes and inhaled, trying to think clearly but his thoughts was interrupted by Dr. Martin’s voice. 

“Ah yes, I would like a cab at 1240 Milford, please.” he said in to the phone, glancing over to Josh.

Josh glare up at doctor, did he mean that he was leaving right this moment? He hadn’t packed, hadn’t said goodbye to his parents and he didn’t feel quite ready yet.

“My mother’s here.” he said in an attempt to win some time.

“It will be less emotional if we do it this way,” Dr Martin told him ” Your parents and I have already talked about it.”

That explains a few things, one thing was his mothers sad behavior in the car ride to Dr Martin’s house and the other thing was the suitcase. It wasn’t his parents but it contained Josh’s belongings, they had planned this without Josh’s knowing and now Josh really felt like he hadn’t any power to change this decision. Dr Martin motioned him to get out of the chair and follow him. So Josh did, his eyes glued to the floor and mind blank. His body once again moved on his own while he walked behind Dr Martin out of the house and out on the driveway, the cab had already arrived. Across the road Josh could see his mom’s car parked and he could also see his mother sitting in the driving seat. Her head which had been hanging down slowly raised as she looked over towards Josh and Dr Martin. Josh couldn’t see if she had been crying but even from a distance she looked pained. When she noticed Josh she slightly raised her hand in a weak wave, even that looked pained. Dr Martin had grasped Josh’s arm to lead him to the cab, when they got to it he opened the backseat door for Josh and waited for him to get in. Josh stuck his head into the cab and noticed the brown suitcase sitting in the backseat. He pushed it to the side and got in himself. Dr Martin shut the door and Josh slowly turned to look out the back window were he could see his mother’s car. 

“Now, be sure: no stops.” said Dr Martin to the cabdriver.

Josh’s head snapped forward as he slowly registered what was happening. Dr Martin walked so he stood in front of Josh’s window, he leaned down and waved to Josh, saying a last “Bye.”. Josh didn’t wave back neither did he say goodbye.The cab started moving and Josh turned one last time towards his mothers car, seeing both the car and Dr Martin who was watching the cab drive away. Josh slowly turned forward again, he must have looked confused but he couldn’t control his facial expressions. Josh had nothing else to do but to study the driver, the first thing he noticed was the drivers bushy ginger hair. The second thing Josh noticed was the weird radio station the driver had on and the song airing was happy and went like “When you’re alone and life is making you lonely, you can always go downtown”. Josh pulled out another cigarette along with his lighter since he felt a great need for one, for the relief it gave. He could see the cabdriver looking at him through the rear view mirror while he put his cigarette between his lips and lit it. Josh inhaled and felt the deadly smoke go down to his lungs and a few moments later he could feel the nicotine find it’s way around his body, giving him said relief.

 

-Time jump- Father’s birthday

A familiar melody of “Happy birthday” was now filling his home, but he wasn’t with the other guests to sing it. Josh was located in his room, changing his clothes to pajamas since Josh had told his mom that he did’t feel well. And he didn’t, he felt kind of stretched out and tired, maybe he was catching something. Or maybe he was just exhausted because his encounter with Mr Neal.

“Josh.” a hushed voice said from the other side of Josh’s bedroom door, speak of the fucking devil. 

Josh put his t-shirt on and slowly approached the door. In the mean time Mr Neal’s voice repeated Josh’s name in the hopes that Josh would hear him.

“Josh, are you there?” Mr Neal tried again, his voice weak and mixed with the happy song from downstairs.

Josh had reached the bedroom door and he hesitated a moment before unlocking it and opening. Josh was met with the older man who he had spent a night with to boost his grades. Mr Neal gave him a smile and he was clearly happy that Josh had opened the door. Mr Neal hadn’t changed since Josh went to school, still the same brown curls, same big glasses and the same pleading eyes.

“Hey. I want to see you again.” Mr Neal nearly begged.

“Look, it was a one time thing, okay?” Josh said while leaning against the doorframe and giving a slight smile in the hopes that Mr Neal would understand and just leave.

“Sweetie, come downstairs, we’re opening presents!” Mrs Neal called after her husband.

“Just come to my office tonight,” pressed Mr Neal and from downstairs the song ended “Tell them your going over to friends. Please.”

“Yeah? Who do you want me to tell first? My parents, the department chairman or your wife?” Josh snapped

Mr Neal made and attempt to grab Josh’s arm but Josh was faster and he backed into his room and before shutting the door he said a final “No!”. Josh leaned against the door and listened to the noises outside his room. The guests had gone back to their previous happy chattering but Josh couldn’t hear any footsteps leaving his doorstep. Josh could imagine Mr Neal still standing in front of his shut door, hopefully in shame and self loathing, because that’s how Josh felt.

 

-Real time-

“What did ya’ do?” the cabdriver asked, locking eyes with Josh through the rear view mirror.

“‘Scuse me?” Josh asked confused, confused because of the question and the jump in time. That damn party again.

The driver turned his head to look at Josh for a brief moment “Well… You look normal.”

The cigarette Josh had lit had burnt out, he was really wasting these today. He pulled out yet another and stuck it in between his lips.

“I’m sad.” answered Josh and shrugged.

“Well, everyone’s sad.” chuckled the driver and Josh felt a little stupid then.

“I see things.” Josh added while he struggled with the lighter and wondered if his mother had packed him his good lighter. Probably not.

“You mean like, um, tripping?” the driver wanted to know, casting glances at Josh every now and then.

Josh managed to light his cigarette before answering “Kind of.”

“Well, then they should put John Lennon away.” the driver pointed out, Josh appreciated the joke and giggled.

“I’m not John Lennon.” Josh said, grinning slightly with his cigarette poking out of the side of his mouth.

The driver laughed but didn’t continue the conversation. As Josh took a new drag of his cigarette he saw the sign that told him that they had arrived. Josh sighed as the passed the big letters that formed CLAYMOORE and closed his eyes, wishing he would wake up and all this would be a dream. But when he opened his eyes he was instead met with the big building that would be his resting place. The building was built in red brick and black roof tiles. Surrounding the building was a huge garden with a few bushed and trees and a tall fence that surrounded the garden. The cab continued to drive up the driveway, getting closer and closer to the building. When they were close enough to see the big entrance doors, Josh also saw a man standing by them, like he was waiting. The cab drove up to the doors and to the man. The man was strongly built and had a beard , he rocked slowly back and forth on his feet and wore a warm smile. The driver put the cab in park and turned around to look at Josh.  
“Don’t get to comfortable.” the cabdriver said kindly and Josh gave him a genuine smile, grabbed his suitcase and stepped out of the cab. Before shutting the door he waved the driver goodbye.

Josh watched the cab drive away before turning towards the man. The man still wore his warm smile, he didn’t offer his hand for shaking but kept both his hands behind his back. Josh guessed that some patients couldn’t handled to be touched, the man was maybe just cautious.

“Joshua Dun, I presume?” the man smiled, he had a soft vocie for such a strong body.

“Yeah, that’s me. But please , just call me Josh.” Josh explained in a rush.

“I apologize, Josh. My name is Andy Hurley, I’m a nurse at this facility. But let’s go in, it’s a little chilly, isn’t it?” Andy went on leading Josh up the stairs.

“Yeah.” Josh mumbled and followed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet the patients.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna try to take the story away a little from the movie after this chapter, because they are pretty much identical. Hope you've enjoyed it so far.

It was warm inside. The first room you were met with was the reception and a waiting room. The only people there was a man and a woman in the waiting room and the woman sitting in the reception. From that woman Josh got a bunch of paper, one of them said “Claymoore Psychiatric Hospital - Conditions of Admission”. Josh wrote his signature at the bottom of the paper, then he hesitated and looked up.

“Shouldn’t my parents..?” Josh wondered hesitantly.

“You have to sign them, Mr Dun.” the woman at the desk clarified “You’re over 18, it’s your decision.”

Josh sighed and looked down at the papers again. ’My decision, my ass’ Josh thought and continued signing the papers. He turned a page and quickly read through the text. But he came to a stop when he read Dr Martin’s notes, the information given there included that Josh had tried to kill himself. Josh frowned and got frustrated, he had explained to Dr Martin that he didn’t tried to kill himself.

“Um..” he began and looked up at the woman “I-I didn’t try to kill myself.”

The woman looked over at Andy before looking at Josh “That’s the kind of thing you talk about in therapy, honey, not here” she explained calmly. Josh’s eyes went from the woman to Andy, Andy who still smiled warmly at Josh. 

 

-Time Jump- School Counselor Office

“Mister Dun,” the woman said “You have the distinction to be the only senior at Columbus High School not going to college.” 

Josh knew that tone of voice, the “you’re a disappointment” voice, the “you’re never going make it” voice. He had heard it plenty of times at home. Josh sighed lightly and looked out the window. Josh also heard a sigh in response from Mrs Markman -the counselor- and she leaned back in her chair.

“May I ask what you plan to do?” she asked in an unimpressed voice.

“I want to make music.” Josh mumbled in response, most adults didn’t want that answer, even his father who once was a musician didn’t want Josh to work with only music. Josh knew it was hard to make it in the music business, but it is what he wanted to do ever since he was a kid and picked up his first drum sticks.

“Yeah, but what do you plan to do?” Mrs Markman pressed, raising her eyebrows while watching Josh.

“Look,” Josh sighed “I’m not gonna burn stuff, or drop acid, or go march on Washington, I just… don’t want to turn out like my parents.”

“Youth’s today have more choices than that.” Mrs Markman said, she sounded so sure of herself.

“No, they don’t.” Josh fired back and he couldn’t help but give her a death glare.

 

-Real time-

“And here,” the woman in the reception desk said and pointed at one of the papers, snapping Josh out of his thoughts “You forgot one, dear. Here.”

“Um” Josh mumbled as he leaned over the paper to sign it.

“Speaking for Dr Wentz and myself. Welcome to Claymoore, Josh.” the woman said smiling a friendly smile.

“Thanks.” Josh mumbled.

Andy got up and caught Josh’s attention. Andy motioned for Josh to follow him, giving one of his smiles and began walking down the hallway. Josh picked up his suitcase and followed, looking around curiously. But there was nothing to see, just a row of closed doors, sometimes a billboard filled with papers and other times colorful paintings. Josh decided to watch Andy’s back as they walk, he was clad in a long armed yellow sweater, but Josh could catch a glimpse of tattoos on his arms. Andy suddenly turned to the left and opened a door that led outside. Andy let Josh go out first then followed. From where they got out Josh could see another building, this one smaller and a sign said “Men’s Ward” by the door. It was also built in red bricks, but it had green roof tiles. It also had a tower, a clock tower perhaps.

“This is the men’s ward, also known as South Bell,” Andy explained “This is where you’ll be staying and this is where I work.”

They walked up the stone stairs that led to the entrance doors. Once again they got hit with warmth when they went through the doors. The first room had a small office with no one there and a waiting room, also empty. But they walked right pass it and started walking up some stairs. 

“This is the second floor,” Andy told Josh “I need you to stay close to me, ‘cause it’s easy to get lost.”

And Josh did stay close, he felt safe with Andy and he didn’t want to get lost in case he ran into a lunatic. When they reach the top of the stairs Andy pulled out his keychain out of his pocket to unlock the door. He went through the door and held it open to let Josh go through too. Then he closed it and locked it again.

“Welcome to our ward.” Andy welcomed kindly. 

Josh looked around from were he was standing. There was some people in the corridor, they weren’t doing any thing special, just standing there. A male nurse rushed past Josh down the hall. Andy also passed Josh and crossed the hallway to a pair of doors.

“Okay, let’s start with this room.” Andy said and opened the doors, inside where benches, art supplies and a lot of junk “This is the art room” Andy explained.

A faint banging was heard from their left and Josh head snapped towards the sound. Maybe he was a little more nervous and scared than he liked to admit. A boy was sitting in front of the fence that stored instruments. He had a drumstick in his hand and he had poked it through the holes in the fence to beat on the top hat of a drum set. 

“Bob,” Andy called to get the boy’s attention “What are you doing in here?”

The boy turned around to look at them. Josh could now see that half of his face had terrible burn marks and Josh had to hold his breath to keep himself from gasping. Josh tried to concentrate on the boy’s other features, like his blue eyes, his blonde short hair or his black fingerless gloves. They made Josh wonder if his mom had packed down his snapback hat. Probably not.

“I feel very musical today!” said Bob and smiled, still holding the drumstick “Can I- can I just-“

“Not today, buddy” Andy interrupted and shook his head no.

Bob got up from the chair he was sitting in and put the drumstick on of the benches. He walked past the two of them to head for the doors. When he passed he looked curiously down at Josh, Josh being not very tall usually got looked down at.

“That’s Bob, come on.” Andy said and followed Bob out the doors.

Josh nodded slightly and followed Andy, taking one last look at the locked away drum set. Josh wondered what had happened to Bob to give him those injuries. Maybe Bob was a pyromaniac, what if he lit fire to the building while everybody was sleeping. Or maybe Bob had been abused and now had trauma? Josh pushed the thoughts to the side and tried to focus on where they were going and maybe memorize the ward. They were now in the hallway again and were walking to some place new. When they walked past the same male nurse from before, Andy piped up. “Gerard, Bob was in the art room, by himself.”

“Sorry, Andy” Gerard replied and went towards the art room to lock it.

As they continued to walk down the corridor, Josh decided to make conversation "I actually played drums, too... But it's been a while, not since I graduated."

“Why, this is the perfect time to pick up on it again, Josh. I'll let you know that I enjoy drums most of all the instruments and I played when I was younger." Andy said with a bigger and warmer smile than before, like that was even possible. Josh was a little surprised at that, happily surprised, but when he glanced back to the lines that was relieved on Andy's arms he could see how Andy could be a drummer. "I stopped playing when times got hard, but I'm excited to see you play, kid!" Then he reached out his arm and gestured toward a room with couches, chairs and tables "Ah, the living room.” said Andy “Everyone hates it.” he said and looked back at Josh, smiling.

They continued down the hallway. They passed a room that had the door open, Josh dared to glance in when the passed. Inside stood a boy in the middle of the room, he had a doll in his arms and he was slowly rocking it back and forth. Josh found that image terrifying, the boy couldn’t be much younger than Josh and he treated that doll like it was alive. They walked on. The next door they came to was also opened, but only a little and another boy had his head stuck out. He had shoulder length black hair and piercings. He looked pissed and when Josh and Andy passed by he slammed the door. A sign on the door said not to trespass. 

“And these are the phones,” explained Andy when they passed a row of telephones “If you need to make a call, pick up the handle, tell the nurse and he’ll direct you.”

They walked further down the hall. “And here’s the nurse’s office, which is self explanatory.” Andy chuckled, Andy did a lot of hand movements while he explained things.

Right next to the nurse’s office was a room that Josh guessed was the TV room, since there was a TV in the room. This room was a lot more crowded than the hallway. Some sat in the sofa in front of the TV, some sat around a table and played cards, some just sat and some just stood.

“And this is the TV room, where everyone hangs out” Andy said and some of the patients turned to look at them. A very thin boy who stood smoking in the middle of the room turned to look at Andy. The boy was wearing a hospital gown, which no other patient had. 

“I want my fucking clothes!” he roared to Andy. He had brown blonde hair and glasses, no injuries like Bob’s that Josh could see.

“Then you have to eat something, won’t you?” Andy said calmly and smiled to the boy. Andy continued walking and he ignored the boy when he began to sing some religious choir song. 

“This is the checking board,” Andy said and walked up to a board on the hallway wall “You check in here if you want to take a walk on the grounds or something.”

The boy kept singing loudly and Andy looked his way, still smiling like he found it funny “He thinks that bothers me, that’s Mikey by the way.” Andy smiled.

“Right now you’re in R, which means you’re restricted to the ward.” Andy informed and looked from the board to Josh “But I think about a month you’ll probably move up to 2 on 1, which means there’s two nurses for one patient.”

“I’m not gonna be here for that long, I’m just here for a rest” Josh rushed, getting nervous by the new information, he didn’t think he would stay that long.

“It’s alright, everybody gets the same tour free charge.” Andy joked and kept walking with Josh by his side.

They now walked up to a door and stopped. Andy opened it and gestured Josh to walk in. This was a patients room, it was small and bright. It looked like a normal room, it had two beds, two wardrobes, a small bookcase and a few decorations here and there. On one of the beds sat a patient, he was reading a book but looked up when Josh and Andy walked in. He looked older than Josh, could be up to 10 years older even, he had a crazy bushy brown afro, small eyes and a wide mouth. He was wearing a black t-shirt and blue jeans.

“Ray, this is Josh, you’re new room mate” Andy presented to the boy on the bed, who apparently was named Ray.

“Great! Hi!” Ray shinned and got up to shake Josh's hand. Ray’s voice was higher than Josh had expected, it was cute.

“Hi!” Josh giggled and shook back.

“Josh, you’re very lucky. Ray is an excellent room mate.” Andy said and gave Ray a smile.

“Why, thank you, Andy!” Ray grinned at Andy and sat back down on his bed.

Right then another male nurse came into the room and walked up to Andy. Josh could overhear what the nurse said, but he didn’t quite understand.

“The cops are bringing in Tyler. He was in the park.” the nurse whispered and Andy nodded.

“Josh, would you excuse me, I have some business to attend to.” Andy said to Josh who nodded “Ray, would you take Josh down to the dining room in half an hour?”

“Sure.” Ray responded and smiled. 

Andy walked out of the room with the other nurse, he called over his shoulder “Yes means yes, Ray.”

“I know.” Ray chuckled and then looked at Josh before picking up his book again.

Josh slowly walked over to his own bed, he wanted to be careful in case he did something wrong and make Ray angry. He put his suitcase on the bed and opened it up. What he was met with was some clothes and his box of french cigarettes. He picked the box up and put it on the bed. He didn’t know that Ray had been watching him until Ray piped up.

“Groovy box.” he said and Josh could hear the smile in his voice. 

Josh turned around, slightly confused and then saw that Ray had his eyes on his box of cigarettes. Josh picked up the box and balanced it in his hand.

“Yeah, um, they’re french,” Josh smiled “The french resistance smoked them, I think.”

Ray looked up at Josh from where he was sitting and nodded, looking a little confused. Josh started feeling a little uncomfortable now, he didn’t know what to say. Could he ask why Ray was here? No, that would be kind of rude, wouldn’t it? Josh had never been good at making small talk and when he tried it always turned to some weird topic. And he definitely didn’t know how to make small talk to an ill person, or well, he hadn’t tried, maybe it would be easier. But before he could make an attempt Ray lifted his book to show Josh the cover. It was ’Oz the great and powerful’.

“Did you ever read this?” Ray asked and smiled kindly towards Josh.

“Ehm, no. But I saw the movie a bunch of times, though.” Josh offered. 

“Oh, well, the movie is actually based on the first book.” Ray said and motioned towards the small bookcase “I’ve read that one too, but there was no ruby slippers in that one. They added that.” Ray continued and looked down at the book in his lap “This one takes place afterwards.”

Josh could hear noises coming from outside their window. It sounded like a police radio and Josh remembered what the male nurse said to Andy. 

“Dorothy doesn’t have such a big part in this one.” Ray added and watched as Josh got up to walk to the window.

Josh pushed the curtains away, first noticing the bars on the outside of the window, then he looked down to see a police car parked in the driveway. One of the policemen opened the backseat door and helped a man out of the car. The man seemed violent, trying to get out of the policeman’s grip and spitting curses out.

“Don’t fucking help me.” the man spat and shook again in an attempt to escape. “Get off me!”

Ray had now joined Josh at the window, as soon as he saw what Josh saw he got this worried look on his face. The pair waited in silence until they heard a group of people coming into the ward. It had to be the policemen and the violent man. From their room Josh could see him. Brown short hair, pale skin, dark eyes with dark circles under them. He was wearing a black baggy jacket and black jeans. Walking into the hallway, the man had a smirk on his face, no longer fighting the men.

“Hiya, Frank,” the man said to the boy with the “no trespass” sign on his door “Let anyone into your room yet, huh?”

The policemen took his cuffs of and the boy named Frank rolled his eyes, took a drag of his cigarette and walked into his room.

“Hey buddy, hi sexy” the man said to someone else, looks like he knew everybody. He opened his jacket and slid it of his shoulders and gave it to Andy.

“It’s good to be home!” he said in a excited tone of voice, Josh couldn’t tell if it as fake. He emptied he pockets and gave everything to Andy. He turned around and saw Bob standing in the corridor. “Hey Torch!”

“Hi, Tyler.” Bob responded and grinned slightly.

“Did ya’ miss me?” Tyler wanted to know.

“Not much.” Bob said still grinning and this time Tyler smirked back. 

Josh could now see that he had been wearing a black t-shirt under his oversized jacket and he could also see that Tyler was fucking skinny.

“Get him to his room,” Andy ordered a nurse “Gerard will do a strip search.”

Tyler had now turned towards Ray and Josh's room. He didn’t seem to notice Ray, but he had noticed Josh and now he was sending him a death glare.

“Who’s the Ray boy?” he asked, eyes never leaving Josh. A security took his arm to lead him to his room. “Who’s that? Where’s Nick?”

Ray lightly pushed Josh back before shutting the door. From behind it you could hear Tyler screaming “Where’s Nick?” and Ray got stressed out and sat down on his bed and hid his face in his hands. Josh's eyes went from the door to Ray and back to the door. You could still hear Tyler's screams from the corridor, but what scared Josh was that they were getting louder, as in they were getting closer. And then the door flew open and in came Tyler.

“Who are you?” Tyler asked Josh angrily before slamming the door shut and putting a chair in front of it so no one could open it.

“His name is Josh, Tyler. He smokes french cigarettes.” Ray piped up from his bed.

“Why is all your shit on his bed?” Tyler asked and approached Josh, Josh backed away until his back hit wall. There was banging and shouting coming from the door.

“Open the damn door!” you could hear Andy calling from the other side of the door.

“Why?! Where’s Nick?!” Tyler screamed and pinned Josh to the wall, Josh was panicking by now.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Josh screamed back, his eyes not meeting Tyler's. 

Josh and Tyler was screaming at each other, there was shouting coming from the door and even Ray had joined in by screaming with stress. The banging got louder and louder until the chair gave away and the door flew open, chair hitting the wall behind it. Andy was the one who entered the room first.

“What the hell are you doing, Tyler?” Andy shouted, not walking up to the two of them just yet. Josh'e eyes met Tyler's crazy. Josh was so scared. Tyler looked away.

“Back off him.” Andy ordered Tyler “Back off, you’ve been gone for two weeks, a lot of shit has gone down. Back off!” 

Tyler was glaring at Andy “How did he do it?” Tyler wanted to know “How did he do it? How did he do it, Andy?”

A security guard came from behind Tyler and grabbed him by the waist.

“Get the fuck off me!” Tyler shrieked “You weak people. You’re all weak fucking people! You’re victims! You’re fucking sick!”

“Gerard.” Andy said calmly, Gerard standing in their room with a big shot in his hand.

“What?” Tyler asked, then he seemed to understand something “No, no! Andy, please! No!”

The guards dragged Tyler out of the room, Tyler still screaming and pleading. Josh didn’t know where they were taking him, but he knew it was something bad. Ray sat on his bed with his hands in front of his mouth. Josh walked up to the doorframe and watched after Tyler.

“Take his legs.” a guard commanded and someone did, they were now lifting Tyler towards a room at the end of the hall. Tyler was screaming and going crazy, Andy walked up and injected the shot into Tyler and he screamed his loudest scream yet. It was terrifying to watch, but there was still some patients like Bob and Brian standing in the corridor to watch. There was also another boy standing in the corridor, a guard held him but he still reached out his arms towards Tyler with a pained expression on his face. The boy was short, he had no chance against the guard, and he was wearing a truckers cap and black thick glasses. Andy came up to Gerard with large scissors.

“We have to cut those nails again” Andy said, motioning at Tyler and handed the scissors over to Gerard who nodded.

The guards had now reached the room at the end of the hall and one opened the door. Tyler was no longer struggling, the shot he got probably contained some heavy drugs Josh guessed. The guards carried him in and Josh could see that the room was all white, the walls and the floor. There were no furniture that Josh could see and Josh could understand why Tyler feared that room. But Josh probably only knew the top of the iceberg. Josh turned back towards Ray who was still sitting on the bed.

“Good God.” Josh managed “What the hell was that?”

“That was Tyler.” was Ray’s only answer.

“And Nick was your old roommate?” Josh asked but it wasn’t Ray who answered, but Bob. Bob stood in the doorway of their room, smiling.

“Nick was Tyler's best friend.” he told Josh “He was sad last week because Tyler ran away, so he hung himself with a volleyball net.” Bob said while smiling.

Josh was shocked, both at the news and the fact that Bob smiled while telling it. He heard Ray sob from behind him and Josh turned back towards him. This place was fucking crazy, he had just fucking got there and he had already got attacked. How the fuck was he supposed to rest at a place like this?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First days are the worst days, aren't they.

A couple of hours had passed since the Tyler incident and everything had calmed down. It had taken Josh a good hour before he had calmed down from his shock. He was still a little confused by it all, he knew about Nick now but that didn’t explain why Tyler had attacked him. Josh told himself it was because Tyler was crazy and reminded himself that he was at a fucking mental ward. 

After he recovered from his shock he had started to pack up, mostly to distract himself even if he felt too tired. He was surprised to find his snapback wrinkled up in the suitcase, his mother hadn’t forgotten it, but she had forgotten his good lighter. His packing was mostly clothes since the ward provided things like toothbrushes and stuff like that. He had put his clothes in one of his wardrobe drawers and he placed his french cigarettes on a small table by the bed. Ray didn’t smoke so he was sure he wouldn’t steal them, well he wasn’t sure yet but Ray had no use for them. Ray had also calmed down and sat on his bed while Josh unpacked, talking about books he had read, explained small things about the ward and gave some information about some patients. Josh had asked about Mikey, Ray had explained that Mikey had anorexia and he hardly ate anything. Sometimes the staff took his clothes when he went too long without eating and he usually ate then. Mikey's brother actually worked as a nurse in this very ward, Ray told Josh that his name was Gerard and Josh remembered the nurse. It was Gerard that had forced Mikey in here when he finally couldn't take more of his brother's self torture. Josh went on and asked about Frank, the ‘no trespass’ boy. Ray said that he also had some kind of eating disorder, he would always ask for more laxatives and he never ate in the cafeteria. No one was allowed into his room, hardly even the staff but Gerard was often allowed to enter, than Ray did this thing with his mouth like he tried to keep himself from saying something. Before Josh could ask about Bob, Ray remembered that he had promised to take Josh to the cafeteria and dragged Josh along.

The cafeteria was two doors from the art room, it was pretty big and had long rows with tables in it. Ray pulled Josh along towards a disk where they got their plates with food and drinks. Today was some kind of meatloaf and mashed potatoes and Josh had never been picky with food but this did not look appetizing. Then he followed Ray who sat down next to Bob at one of the tables. Bob and Ray actually got into a pretty heated discussion about music, and if Josh hadn’t been too tired he would've happily joined in. Instead he ate quietly and watched as the boy with trucker cap and glasses sat down with the small company. Ray presented him as Patrick and he presented Josh to him. Patrick smiled and said hi with a nod and Josh did the same.

Dinner went by fast and the gang headed towards the TV room, Josh walked behind the others but Ray would still turn his head to include him. Bob sat down next to the boy with the doll on the couch to watch TV, Josh joined because he was too tired to stand. It was some stupid movie on TV, must’ve been a comedy one because Bob and the doll boy laughed out loud at the end of nearly every sentence. Josh leaned against the armrest of the sofa, having nothing better to do but to study his fingernails. Josh didn’t know how much time had passed before a nurse’s voiced echoed through the hallway and TV room.

“Meds!” it said in a clear tone.

Everybody seemed to know what to do since they all got up and walk towards the nurse’s office. Josh looked up from his nails to Bob as he passed by him to get his medication. Josh who didn’t have any medication stayed seated and waited for everybody to come back. 

“Patrick Stump.” the voice called and there was a pause “Joshua Dun.”

Josh turned towards the nurse’s office and saw the group surrounding and blocking the view of the nurse. The voice repeated Josh's name and Josh could see Ray waving him over. Josh got up, hesitantly walked towards the nurse’s office and up to the window where the nurse stood.

“I’m Mr Trohman and these are for you.” the man said in a tired tone of voice and held up a small cup with meds in it.

“What are they?” Josh wanted to know, he was confused why they wanted to give him drugs, Dr Martin hadn’t mentioned any medication.

“They help you sleep.” Mr Trohman explained, getting just a tad annoyed. Josh looked up at the clock on the wall behind the nurse.

“I-it’s 10.30, I’m not goi-” Josh argued but was interrupted by smoke in his face.

“For fucks sake.” it was Frank's angry voice, he was annoyed and he was the one who blew smoke in Josh's face.

“We can discuss it in the morning, kid, with your doctor.” Mr Trohman told him “In the mean time we just have to agree to disagree.”

Josh stared at him with wide eyes, guess he didn’t have a choice. Josh accepted the cup of meds and also a glass of water.

“Take them here, and have some water.” ordered Mr Trohman and looked at Josh.

Josh quickly took the pills in his mouth and then raised the glass of water to his lips to swallow them. It was a creepy feeling when the pills went down his throat, there were at least three pills in that cup and they were quite big. Josh set everything in his hands down on the desk and looked at the nurse, he gave him a nod and looked down at the list in his hands.

“Bob Bryar.” he called next and Bob came from behind Josh to get his meds. 

Josh moved out of the way to make room and started to walk down the hall, towards his room. Mr Trohman continued to call every patient in his loud, clear voice and it gave Josh the same effect as the dog barks at Dr Martin's house. He got a little dizzy, found it hard to concentrating on even walking and cold sweat stated forming. Josh glanced back at the crowd surrounding the nurse’s office, no one noticed him wobbling away, not even Ray. Josh continued on walking, still upset about the pills and the fact that he didn’t fit in here either. Everybody seemed so comfortable here, everything was so easy and self explanatory. Maybe Josh was just slow, maybe that’s why he was put here, he was fucking slow in the head. He felt slow right then too, it was the drugs but Josh didn’t recall taking them any longer. He thought too much about his own stupidity to focus on anything else, he didn’t even notice the few tears running down his cheeks. Josh had reached his room’s door but stopped, something actually caught his attention. At the end of the hall, a certain door was open, a door that led to a white room that contained a man. Tyler. From where Josh were standing he could see right in, even if his vision was starting to get a little blurry, again thanks to the meds. Tyler sat on the floor of the room, hair messy and the circles under his eyes darker than before. He was clad in a white hospital gown, the same as Mikey was wearing but Mikey didn’t look as insane as Tyler did wearing it. A nurse sat next to Tyler on the floor, she was doing some kind of check up and right now she lit a flashlight into Tyler's eyes. Tyler didn’t fight, or yell, he did nothing. Josh blinked slowly, he felt so heavy and he had to slowly walk over to the wall and lean on it to keep himself up. Josh's mind right now was a mixture of haze and Tyler. Josh felt bad for Tyler, it felt like it was his fault that Tyler had been locked in to that room but then Josh got frustrated wondering why he cared. He sighed and rubbed his face in his hands in an attempt to wake himself up. He closed his eyes and saw white, but then he saw a shade of black: Tyler's eyes. Josh groaned and looked over towards Tyler's room, but the door was closed. Through the corridor you could still hear Mr Trohman voice call names and the rattling of drugs in cups.


	4. Chapter 4

-Time Jump- Josh's Graduation

“Ryan Reed.” the principal called into the microphone “Editor of the yearbook and a member of the honor society. Headed off to Tulane University. Congrats, son.”

The crowd applauded as the student ran up to the podium where the principal stood, received his diploma, shook his hand and returned back to his seat.

“Andrea Urie.” the principal continued “President of the french club and honor society and on her way to Sarah Lawrence.” 

The next student ran up to the principal to receive her diploma, shook his hand and returned to her seat. The crowd applauded yet again.

“Joshua Dun.” the principal called next, pausing to wait for the student .

Josh was sitting in the crowd with the other students, head slumped and eyes closed. He was a heavy sleeper. The crowd started mumbling, the students next to Josh giggled and the parents in the back started whispering to each other.

“What is he doing?” his mother mumbled, a mixture of concern and anger on her face. 

“Some kind of stunt.” his father replied, trying to see over the students heads.

“Joshua Dun.” the principal repeated and there was more laughter from the student, the principal tapped the microphone “Joshua Dun.”

“Wake up, freak.” a student sitting behind Josh said and shoved him hard,

Josh woke up and nearly fell out of his chair thanks to the push. Josh's head snapped up as he looked around in sleepy horror.

 

-Real time-

“Checks.” a voiced whispered from the doorway of Josh and Ray’s room.

Josh opened his eyes and saw a bright light, a light from a flashlight. A nurse stood by in the doorway, lit the flashlight right at Josh's face and Josh tried to shield his face by holding up his hands. The nurse took a second to light at Ray too, before she noted something in her papers. She backed out of the room without another word and closed the door. Josh was usually a heavy sleeper but the light which that flashlight could cast could wake up anyone. Josh rolled over onto his side and looked over at Ray. Ray appeared to be sleeping, but Josh had been waiting all day to ask him something.

“Ray?” he whispered loud enough for Ray to hear.

“Mmm..” responded Ray and he frowned a little.

“Why do they do that?” Josh asked, it wasn’t his main question but he was working up to it.

“Just doing checks.” Ray mumbled, he sounded tired and Josh felt kind of bad “They space them out more after you’ve been here a while.”

Josh was going to shoot “That boy, Bob,” he began “How did he get all..” Josh gestured at his face.

“When he was ten,” Ray started “his mother told him that he had to give away his puppy, ‘cause it was giving him a rash. So Bob went and found his father’s gas can and he poured it all over were he was getting the rash. And then.. he lit a match.”

Josh was shocked, his eyes widened and he bit his lip. He hadn’t guessed that, how could anyone guess something like that?

“Oh my god.” Josh said, just to say something.

Josh and Ray laid facing each other. They just looked at each other for a while and Josh started to relax. He mustered up the nerve to ask something else.

“What about you? Why are you here?” Josh asked and studied Ray’s face from where he was on his bed.

“Psychological fantastica.” Ray replied easily.

“What is that?” Josh pressed.

“I’m a pathological liar.” Ray said and smiled. 

Well, fuck, Josh thought. Now he can’t believe a word Ray says, his own room mate. And that story about Bob, was it true? He couldn’t ask because he might just lie again. Josh felt like he had enough for one day, it had only been one day, time seemed to move slower within these walls. He looked over at Ray, he had closed his eyes and had probably gone back to sleep. Josh sighed, rolled over and tried to sleep too. He was here to rest, wasn’t he?

*

The next morning Josh was awaken by music, loud music, coming from somewhere in his room. Had his mother forgotten the radio in his room? Or where did the music come from? He opened his eyes, only to be met with a wall that wasn’t his own. His entire body tensed, he heard a sound of pages being flipped and he relaxed. He remembered. He looked over his shoulder and saw Ray sitting in his bed, reading and rocked in time with the music. Josh kept watching him for a few seconds before laying down again and tried his best to cover his ears with his hands.

 

-Time Jump- Party After Graduation 

The music was loud and had a good beat. Nearly every graduate from Columbus High School had gathered at a well known pub in Ohio. Some had dates, some hadn’t. Josh was one of those who hadn’t, he hadn’t showed up with friends either and he wasn’t hanging out with his old class. He had instead gone there to get some beers and hide from his parents who was still pissed at him for falling asleep during the graduation. Thanks to the beers he had gotten in him he was now a little tipsy, the kind of tipsy where you’re just happy and don’t care. Not drunk enough to make a fool out of himself, he had always been careful not to get that drunk. The music pumped and he was tired of sitting in the bar, so he got up. He stretched and looked around while taking up his cigarettes. He pulled out a cigarette when he noticed a dance floor right next to the bar. He walked towards the other people that was dancing, nicking his head a little in time with the music and lit his cigarette. He moved with the music and shook his hips a little extra. He put his cigarette pack in his pocket and closed his eyes, he felt in the moment right then. 

“What are your plans for the fall?” a voice from behind him asked, but it was muffled by the music.

“What?” Josh asked back, opening his eyes and looked back on one of his old classmates.

“What are your plans this fall?” he repeated a little louder.

“I don’t have any.” Josh replied because he didn’t want to talk about it. He turn away from him to show his lack of interest, but he continued.

“I gonna be an ethics botanist.” he said and answered a question Josh didn’t ask “I have a full scholarship to M.I.T.”

“I’m gonna join the Krishnas.” Josh said and continued to dance, looking everywhere but at his old classmate.

“Hare Krishna? That’s interesting, actually.” he replied and Josh looked at him and rolled his eyes before walking away.

“I was kidding.” he said over his shoulder.

Josh moved off the dance floor and walked into the other room, just to ignore one human. He looked over his shoulder to see if the guy had followed him, he hadn’t. He started to relax again when he heard yet another voice coming from behind him. And he swore to God if it was that guy, he would punch him in the nose.

“You’re Josh, right?” the voice said, a males but it didn’t belong to Josh's old classmate but to a man he hadn’t met before.

Josh looked up, the man was clearly older than him but not in a bad way. Older was never bad in Josh's opinion, though, since he was attracted to older men. This guy had brown messy hair, brown eyes and had a slight smirk on his lips. He was good looking.

“My name is Brendon,” he said when Josh didn’t reply “Andrea Urie’s brother. I was at the graduation.”

Josh sighed, did this guy really come up to him just to laugh at him? Looks isn’t everything after all.

“You’re, um…” he started and smirked “You’re pretty when you sleep.”

 

-Real Time- 

“Checks,” a nurse said from the doorway yet again “It’s seven o’clock.”

Josh looked over his shoulder to look at the nurse, she wrote something down in her papers before shutting the door. Josh looked over to Ray’s bed, it was empty and perfectly made. Josh rolled over again, wondering where Ray was and it made him anxious being alone. Josh inspected the wall across from him, slowly following the uneven pattern of the popcorn wall, his mind kind of blank. Then Josh got a weird feeling as the memories of his dream, no flash back, came flooding back to him. Josh closed his eyes in an attempt to get those off his mind, but when he did all he could see was the dimmed lights and Brendon's smirk. Josh felt defeated, he let his hand reach up to his temple to rub it with his entire palm, trying to get that particular time to disappear. 

"Present, now, now, now. Not the past, for the love of God let me stay in one place." Josh pleaded in a weak voice before falling asleep again.

 

-Time Jump- At Brendon’s Place

Josh looked up at Brendon who was staring back down at Josh. Josh hadn’t planned this to happen, but he was glad it did, for once. They were at Brendon’s place, their clothes made a trail on the floor from the door to the sofa. There they were, sprawled on the sofa, naked, hair messy and only covered with a blanket. It had been a little whole since they finished and now they were too exhausted to do anything else but talk. As usual when Josh got into a conversation it led to a weird topic, including this conversation.

“I mean, everybody thinks about it at some point.” Brendon said, still looking down at Josh. Josh snuggled closer before asking.

“How would you do it?” was his question and he listened to Brendon’s heartbeat. Slow and steady, it was relaxing.

“I don’t know,” Brendon replied and Josh could hear the smile in his voice “I guess I haven’t really thought about it.”

Josh thought for a moment, not about what he would say but if he should.  
“You see, once it’s in your head, though,” Josh began, taking and lighting a cigarette “You become this.. Strange, new breed. A life form that loves to fantasize about its own demise. Make a stupid remark: kill yourself. You like the movie: you’ll live. Miss your train: kill yourself. A-“

“Josh.” Brendon interrupted.

“What?” Josh asked and looked up at Brendon again, maybe he should have kept it to himself. For some stupid reason he thought Brendon would understand.

“Let’s not talk about this anymore, okay?” Brendon mumbled into Josh's hair and inhaled his scent.

“Why?” Josh wanted to know. 

“Because,” Brendon said and lifted Josh's head so they were looking each other in the eye “It’s, um.. Stupid.”

Josh couldn’t help but to feel hurt. He had actually never opened his mind like that to anyone before, he had always been afraid that he would be called insane or stupid. And now when he finally felt safe enough to open up, his fear had come true. And now he laid there, naked and exposed on a man he had just met. Josh felt humiliated, truly stupid and yet again like he didn’t fit in. He didn’t fit in here either and he was so tired of that feeling. He studied Brendon’s open and honest eyes one last time before getting up and starting to pick up his clothes of the floor. He heard Brendon’s voice from behind him.

“What?” Brendon exclaimed while Josh started to dress “What are you doing?”

Josh didn’t answer and went to pick up his pants, his eyes not meeting Brendon’s.

“What?! ‘Cause I don’t wanna kill myself, that’s not cool to you?” Brendon asked in an annoyed voice.

“I don’t want to die, I was just talking.” Josh fired back, struggling with putting his shoes on.

“Look, Josh, the world is fucked up, okay?” Brendon spoke “It’s so fucked up that if some draft zombie pulled my birthday out of a barrel, I’m gonna die.”

“When’s your birthday?” was all Josh asked and he finally looked at Brendon.

“April 12th.” he replied, eyes big and hopeful.

Josh looked at Brendon before nodding and picking up his jacket “I’ll pray for you.” he said before he stormed towards the door.  
Josh heard Brendon call after him but he ignored it and opened the door to leave.

-Real Time-

The door opened and the familiar “Checks.” call filled the room.

Josh jerked awake and looked towards the door where the nurse stood with her papers. Josh wondered if he would ever get used to these check ups. Josh buried his face in the pillow, but he decided to not go back to sleep. He was afraid that he would dream more about Brendon, but now when he was awake he wondered what he was doing instead. Josh groaned and got up. He stretched and looked out the window, through the bars and down on the yard. The autumn sun was casting light on the few patients and nurses that was out there. Autumn was at it’s best days like this, sunny but still cold, colors blending together in the most beautiful way. But Josh didn’t want to go out, he didn’t feel comfortable to wander around this place, even if he wandered with a nurse.

He started to get dressed, looking through what his mother had packed him. He wondered what his mother was thinking when she packed his belongings, because in the bunch of clothes there was a sock without it’s partner and one of his dad’s ties. Josh's mother had always been a slightly confused lady, adding packing her sons belongings for a stay at a mental institution, you could understand her poor packing. Josh continued his search for something to wear after he put the one sock and tie away. He ended up in a t-shirt that almost reached his knees, brown cardigan and a pair of black jeans that was ripped in the knees. While he looked confused around the room for somewhere to put his dirty laundry, there was a knock on the door.

“Um, come in?” Josh called, dropping his dirty clothes to the floor and kicked them with his foot to the corner of the room.

The door opened and Andy poked his head in. Andy wore the same uniform as yesterday, and the same warm smile.

“Good morning, Josh,” Andy greeted and walked in “I was just wondering if you would like a bath, you can take it before or after breakfast.”

“Yeah, that would be great actually.” Josh smiled “Before breakfast if possible?” 

“Of course.” Andy nodded “Follow me, please.”

*

The room where the patients took baths was big and contained several bathtubs. The room had big windows, which didn’t matter because they were on the second floor and no one could peak in, and the room drowned in golden morning sun. Josh was seated in on of the bathtubs, it was filled with warm water and it felt like taking a bath in the comfort of your own home. Except a few things, one was that another patient was taking a bath, right opposite of Josh, and Josh felt the need to cover his body from the curious glances from the patient. Another thing was the male nurse who was accompanying the patient, but he was only looking at his own patient and his eyes left Josh alone. The third thing was of course the barred windows, but Josh was kind of getting used to those. 

But another thing was added to the list of “uncomfortable-bath-time-situations” as Andy entered the room and walked over to Josh. Josh looked shyly up at him, still covering his body to the best of his ability. Andy simply gave Josh a bar of soap and took a seat in the chair next to Josh's bath tub. Josh looked at the bar of soap, nothing special, and then looked up at Andy again. Nothing special there either, just the usual warm smile.

“Are you gonna watch?” Josh asked shyly and dipped the soap in the water and lathered it.

“I’m afraid so,” Andy said and nodded “That’s why there some smelly residents in this ward.”

Josh began to clean himself, in a slow and uncomfortable matter, feeling Andy's eyes on him the entire time. 

“Have anyone ever watched you take a bath?” Josh asked before he could stop himself, he looked up at Andy, who was chuckling slightly.

“I’ve got two kids and one bathroom, what do you think?” Andy answered, giving Josh his warm smile.

“I think you should lock the door.” Josh suggested and continued to wash himself.

*

“April 2nd.” a voice from the television announced.

Josh was now seated in the TV room, hence the voice from the television, sitting alone in a sofa with his notepad. In his notes he wrote about anything that came up in his mind. Some turned to lyrics, some turned to poems and a few turned in to stories. He had let his mind spill out on his paper and when he looked down he could see that he had written “Two kids and one bathroom” in extra thick lettering. Josh had lit himself a cigarette and took a drag of it, reading some of the notes he had made during the last half hour.

“Zero-zero-two.” the voice carried on the television.

“Bingo.” Patrick, who was seated in the couch in front of the television, exclaimed. “Bingo. Bingo.”

Josh looked over towards Patrick and the TV, it wasn’t Bingo that was airing but announcement of deaths in battle.

“April 12th.” the voice said and caught Josh's attention. Brendon. 

“Oh my God.” Josh said aloud, not really caring just in that moment, his eyes still on the television. “A guy I know was just drafted.”

Mikey, who was also seated in the couch in front of the television, legs in Patricks lap and smoking a cigarette, looked up.

“What was his name?” Mikey asked and looked over to Josh.

“Brendon.” Josh shared and his eyes glued to the floor to avoid eye contact with anyone. He could hear Patrick’s calls after every number that got announced.

“Well, he’s dead now.” Mikey concluded before getting up, his gown too big for his skinny frame danced around him, and he walked away.

His words stung a little and caught Josh off guard, who says things like that? Josh watched as Mikey walked out of the room, but he didn’t say anything, he just listened to Patrick’s repeated words “Bingo, bingo, bingo.” 

Something caught Josh's attention soon enough, though, and it was the second thing that day that caught him off guard. Tyler. Tyler walked down the hallway, straight back and confident steps. No sign of the weak and almost dead Tyler from before, which relieved Josh for a reason he didn’t know. Tyler's confident steps led him right to Frank's door, which was slightly ajar, and he kicked it open. Right away you could hear Frank's angry shouting.

“Get out, Tyler!” Frank's angry voiced filled the ward.

“I’m not in your room, Frank, I’m right fucking here.” Tyler said calmly from Frank's doorstep “I was just gonna give you your hairspray.”

“Get out!” Frank yelled even louder and slammed the door in Tyler's face.

Josh was terrified at this point, what if Tyler got angry and decided to take it out on him. Josh tried to make himself small where he sat in the sofa and he watched as Tyler turned around. To Josh's surprise Tyler was smiling, like he had gotten what he wanted from Frank, maybe he had. Tyler continued to walk down the hallway, towards the TV room. He was wearing the same black t-shirt but a pair of gray sweatpants. And Josh couldn’t help but to notice that Tyler was very obvious wasn’t wearing any underwear. Josh took another drag of his cigarette to distract himself. The nurse, Gerard, who sat in the corner of the room watched as Tyler was approaching.

“You look better, Tyler.” he gladly pointed out.

“Why, thanks, Gee.” Tyler replied politely and smiled. “How’s the love life?“ he asked and took a seat in the couch in front of the TV, next to Patrick. Tyler swung his feet over the armrest, leaned up agains Patrick and put his arm around him. Patrick didn’t seem to mind, he just looked delighted, like his best friend had returned after a long getaway.

"Oh, you know..” Gerard replied, a hint of embarrassment in his voice as he blushed and looked around at the other patients to see if they were listening.

“No, I don’t. I’ve been away.” Tyler pointed out and snuggled into Patrick some more.

“He's getting more aggressive, but I have to say.. I like it.” Gerard informed in a low and quite voice.

“Fuck his brains out. Use a rubber.” Tyler told him, in his normal, loud speaking voice “No body likes a tease, either way.” Tyler went on and turned his head slightly to where Josh was sitting, a smirk showed on his face. Tyler turned towards Gerard again when he began to laugh, another patient made a ‘yuck’ noise and Tyler joined the laughing. Tyler didn’t have a loud laugh, not at all as his voice, but he laughed from the back of his throat and he got this smirk on his face. 

Tyler had got up from the couch, one of his hands never leaving Patrick’s as he walked around the couch and stood facing Josh. Josh had his eyes in his notes, not reading or writing, just trying to avoid Tyler's eye. Tyler stood still for a moment, watching Josh while he stroked Patrick’s hand. He then walked with determined steps, pulled a chair from one of the tables, placed it before Josh and sat down. The chair’s back was facing Josh and Tyler was sitting with one leg on either side of the seat and leaned his upper body against the chair’s back. Tyler's eye never left Josh and Josh could do nothing else but to look up at him, not like you could ignore someone who was staring at you. Their eyes met and Tyler slightly lifted his eyebrows.

“Can I bum one?” Tyler asked and did a tiny nod, he didn’t break eye contact. 

Josh looked down at his cigarette pack slightly before returning his eyes to Tyler's. Tyler's eyes were dark, but Josh could see that his eyes weres brown rather than black. But they were still deep enough for Josh to fear that me might lose himself in them.

“You smoke?” Josh asked pointlessly, 'stupid´Josh thought, but who could blame him when a psycho that wasn't wearing any underwear talk to him.

"Who doesn't these days?" Tyler asked with a smirk "But not really. I just thought you looked hot smoking, so I wanted to join in."

Josh almost chocked on air, he looked at Tyler with big eyes and Tyler chuckled from the back of his throat.

"Go ahead." Josh said in a weak voice, and he even mustered a smile. Now, he had tried to sound strong and sure of himself, especially around people like Tyler, but one glance into Tyler's eyes and it made him weak in the mind. Josh tried to tell himself that it was because he was because of Tyler's previous comment, it had to be, he just knew that it wasn’t fear.  
Tyler reached over and took the package. His fingers accidentally touched Josh's leg, but Josh seemed to be the only one to noticed. He held his breath while he watched Tyler pull a cigarette out with his mouth, Gerard walked by right then and offered him light and Tyler deeply inhaled. Tyler nodded a thanks to Gerard and took the cigarette between his fingers and exhaled smoke. He looked back at Josh, and Josh looked right back, he watched the way the smoke framed Tyler's face. But their eye contact didn’t last long, Tyler looked over to the old man who was seated next to Josh. The old man was just sitting there, turned towards the television but his gaze was somewhere above the TV, Josh hadn’t seen him move a muscle. Tyler brought the cigarette back to in between his lips, he inhale, leaned forward and blew the smoke in the man's face. Josh watched with wide eyes as he awaited a reaction from the man, but the old man stayed perfectly still and his eyes didn’t leave their fixed point above the TV. Josh looked back at Tyler who was still studying the man, he then made a 'hmm’ noise and looked back at Josh.

“So, have you have your first Pete yet?” Tyler asked but Josh had no idea what he was talking about.

“Who’s that?” Josh asked, this time his voice was a little bit more sure, he was making progress.

“Short guy with a little pecker and stern face.” Tyler replied, he watched Josh intensely “Your psychiatrist, sweet pea.”

Josh was taken aback by the pet name, he hated that he blushed and he kind of shrugged and opened his mouth but nothing came out. 

“Unless they’re giving you shocks.” Tyler went on and made an impression of someone getting electrocuted, his eyes was wide open and he shook in his chair. Fucking adorable. Tyler took another drag of his cigarette “And God forbid letting you-" Tyler paused a second to smile, when he spoke next he had put on a foreign accent "Then you get to see the great and wonderful Dr. Dyke" 

"He means means Dr. Wick." Gerard clarified from across the TV room, Josh looked behind Tyler to see him, a lot was happening at once. Josh looked down at his cigarette in his hand, trying to be casual, shrugged and cleared his throat "I haven't met any psychiatrists yet."

Next to speak up was Patrick, he had taken up all space on the couch and had his head slightly turned to were Josh and Tyler sat "He's a she. Dr. Wick is a girl" he said in a high, joking voice. 

"That's right Trick, Dr. Wick's a chick." Tyler cracked and took another draft of his cigarette. Patrick repeated the rhyme and from the corridor leading to the TV room you could hear a nurse calling Tyler's name, Tyler lifted his cigarette one more time before adding "Hence the nickname." Tyler leaned back, arching his back so he could see the nurse coming up from behind him "What's up, Joe, when the fuck is my check up?" he greeted.

"Now, Tyler, it's now!" the nurse called that Josh knew as Mr Trohman answered in an annoyed voice, it sounded like he had much experience with Tyler and his behavior. It also sounded like he was done with Tyler and his behavior "You said you've be in your room." Tyler rose without looking at Josh, left the chair and jogged towards the nurse. 

"Can't let you sit too long without popping the hood?" Tyler twitted, he slowed down to a walk when he reached the nurse and let himself be led to.. To his check up?

Josh was left quite stunned, he looked after the brown haired boy and when they turned the corner he looked everywhere but nowhere. His eyes landed on the elderly man beside him, his gaze still fixed on nothing, his chest rising and sinking was the only sign of life. Josh being bored, curious and kind of in a daze lifted the cigarette to his lips to inhale, leaning forward and exhaling the smoke in the mans face. For a second the man remained still and Josh thought he had made it, whatever "it" was. Then the mans eyebrows furrowed and his head turned slowly towards Josh, so slow that Josh could imagine a creaking sound coming from the man's neck, the mans eyes looked at Josh, not his eyes but somewhere on his forehead and he grumped "Asshole."

Josh didn't know how to react, to sit still or to run. Why could Tyler do it and not him? He was saved by Andy calling from the wide opening of the TV room "Josh, you have Pete in half an hour. I'll take you there." Josh's head snapped to where the voice could be heard, Andy had already turned around to head somewhere else. Josh looked back to the old man, who now had his stare fixed on Josh "I-I'm sorry." Josh mumbled and got up.

*

"Why are you using the past tense?" Pete the psychiatrist asked, his voice bored but still professional. Josh was located in Dr Wentzs big office, or it would have been big if the walls wouldn't be covered with bookcases filled with books and containing an office desk that almost reached wall to wall. Across from Josh sat the psychiatrist, surrounded by organised stacks of paper and a big table lamp that casted a yellow light, thank god the windows let in the afternoons sunlight to avoid the awful light it radiated. Closest to Josh was a name tag that read "Pete Wentz, M.D", which Josh preferred to read a hundred times instead of keeping eye contact with the doctor for longer than 10 seconds. Dr. Wentz had there unreadable eyes, the only thing you could know for sure is that he can read you like a book. 

"What do you mean?" Josh asked back in his best non-emotional voice he could muster. Josh's eyes left the name tag, not to look at Dr. Wentz who was surely studying him but to look at the file that laid under the yellow light of the lamp, Patrick's name was labeled on it. Frank wondered if Dr. Wentz had the same intimidating eyes with everyone, if so how could anyone stand him. That triggered Josh to look up at the psychiatrist who took that as a cue to continue. 

"Well, he was only drafted today, chances are that he isn't dead yet." Pete tried to comfort with his one tone voice. Tyler had been right, Pete was small, Josh could not understand why he would choose to be surrounded by such big furniture "He probably has several month before he even reports." Dr. Wentz went on. 

Josh hadn't wanted to look so far into it, he only mentioned it because Pete asked what was new and Josh didn't want to mention Tyler. "He was just a nice guy, yeah, that's all." Josh mumbled and took a drag of his cigarette "And it made me feel bad." Josh didn't even know if he meant it or not, but he had to say something.

"Have you been feeling bad in general?" Pete pushed "Right? Have you been feeling depressed?"

Josh had to snort at that, what a stereotypical, straight to the point psychiatrist question. Josh couldn't help himself from answering with sarcasm "Well, I haven't been a ball of joy, Pete." Josh waved his cigarette around shifting his gaze from it to Pete then back.

"I understand that you tried to kill yourself last week." Pete said, not showing any reaction to the sarcastic answer, he took his own cigarette and put it in between his lips and lit it, Josh was half wondering if that was one of the psychiatrist's tricks "Anything you want to tell me about that?"

Josh couldn't keep calm at this point, all these doctors who are here to help but doesn't listen to the patient, they only believe what they want to believe "I had a headache." Josh growled back, this time he let himself stare right into Dr. Wentzs eyes, trying to give the message that he didn't want to speak of it.

 

Dr. Wentzs fingers played with his own cigarette, he wasn't exactly looking at Josh at this point, but seemed to be deep in thought "The time jumps, the depression.. The headaches, the thing with your hand?" Dr. Wentz wondered, even Josh could hear how crazy it all sounded and he began to feel a little defeated.

"All of the above." Josh answered, his mind going kind of blank and he was looking at nothing in particular. He took another drag of his cigarette, just to do something, his gaze wondered over to the window. He remembered looking out of the window in Dr. Martin's house too, he remembered that he thought that it was a good day to be alive. Too bad the awful view of the high wall that imprisoned the loons didn't give him the same feeling. He could hear Dr. Wentz looking through some files, before going "I see." and began to write something in said files. From outside you could now hear someone shouting, Josh could see what he thought was a naked man running in the yard, yelling "Paul is dead!". Josh took another drag of his cigarette. The psychiatrist didn't seemed alarmed, at this point he had to know the difference between a call for help from a call of nonsense.

"Josh?" the psychiatrists calm voice called, making Josh close his eyes, he had had enough of his fucking voice. Josh opened his eyes to look at Dr. Wentz, only to see him looking back at him "What is that? Are you puzzled about something?" Pete asked, he sounded like he really had a hard time to read Josh now, it would have pleased Josh but not in his pissed of mood. 

"Yeah, I guess I am, Pete." Josh began in a calm voice, a voice that was dripping with venom "I guess that I'm puzzled over why I have to be in a mental institution."

"You put yourself here." Pete said, not showing any emotion but looked to find every emotion in Josh.

My parents put me here." Josh fired back, but that sounded weak even to his own ears.

Pete shook his head "No. No, they didn't." Pete retorted, his eyes not leaving Josh for a second, Josh felt as a fish on a hook.

"Everyone here is fucking crazy!" he exploded, trying to hold eye contact with the psychiatrist, but failed. He took one final drag of his cigarette to calm down. 

"You want to go home?" Pete tried and Josh would have wanted to laugh at that but he didn't seem to have the strength.

"Same problem." he answered defeated before dumping his cigarette but in the ashtray.

*


	5. Chapter 5

Josh sat at his, now, usual spot in the TV room. He had started to scribble down thoughts in his notebook, but he had given up on that now and drew a stick version of himself playing drums in the top corner of the page. His emotions from after Dr Wentz's appointment had started to fade, but a tad of anger still swirled around in his body and one time he almost broke his pencil because of it. Around him everything carried on like usual, some stood, some sat, most were unhappy. Even Patrick who usually was the little sunshine of the ward, sat by the wall and made noises of discomfort. The only thing that could be heard except the TV was Tyler, from where he laid outspread on the couch he would try to comfort Patrick with a childish voice and a cat puppet. The puppet was one of those wearable hand puppets, you were able to make the kitten wave and hop around with the motion of your hand. 

"Trick, look at me." Tyler said in a high pitched voice "Play with me."

Tyler made the cat wave, but Patrick would sit without noticing and played with his hair "Don't be sad." Tyler would repeat. Josh stopped drawing to look at the back of Tyler's head, the only part of him Josh could see from where he sat on a different couch, he would occasionally see the puppet when Tyler would make it dance in the air. Josh couldn't believe that he was same Tyler from before, the Tyler who had screamed, cussed and scratched. As Josh studied Tyler, in the afternoon light that reached through the windows, he would never think that he was a patient in this place. He looked like a brother who came to visit his sick, sad brother, doing everything to cheer him up. Tyler had put on a flowery kimono and the sleeves danced around his thin arms and Josh found himself feeling calm just watching him. 

Then Mr Trohman appeared from nowhere and pushed a plate of pills in Tyler's face. But Tyler didn't flinch, just smiled and reached out his opened palm. Mr Trohman grunted and took a cup and emptied the pills in Tyler's hand, Tyler quickly put them in his mouth, swallowed and pushed out his tongue to show that it was empty. Mr Trohman nodded and moved on, going to each patient and did the same procedure. Josh followed him with his eyes until something more interesting caught his eye. Looking down the corridor Josh could see Frank hugging an older man, presumingly his father, as the man left Frank went into his room holding something in his hands.

Josh could hear Tyler doing a sound of disgust, Josh looked over and saw that Tyler had also seen the scene. Tyler let his head fall back on the armrest, Josh could see his face better now and Tyler started to lean back more so he could look at Josh. Their eyes met, Josh wondered for a stressful second if Tyler was annoyed because he caught Josh staring at him. But Tyler smiled, bounced the puppet against his lips then stuck out his tongue. Josh eyes went wide when he saw two pills balancing on the tip of Tyler's tongue, Tyler wiggled his tongue before taking the pills and putting them in his pocket.

That's when Mr Trohman appeared in front of Josh, one hand on his hip and the other one holding the plate with meds. "Josh." he greeted sternly and picked up a cup. 

"What are these?" Josh asked concerned and took the small cup. He looked inside and saw two pills that looked the same as the ones that Tyler had spit out. 

"Colace." Mr Trohman answered "It's just laxative."

"I-I don't need them." Josh said weakly and held up the cup in hopes that Mr Trohman would agree and walk away. Of course that wasn't the case.

Mr Trohman raised his eyebrows and looked down at Josh without taking back the cup "Are we gonna have a problem?" 

Josh looked chocked up at the nurse, from behind him you could hear Tyler talking in his kitten voice "Are we gonna have a problem, hmmm?" Josh had no choice than to lift the cup up to his lips, but then he remembered Tyler so when he took the pills in his mouth he hid them under his tongue rather than swallowing them. He faked a swallowing, tried to look disgusted by them and opened his mouth when Mr Trohman asked to see. Mr Trohman mumbled a thanks and went on. 

"Surrender." Tyler's high pitched voice called "Are we gonna have a problem?" 

Tyler looked back to Josh and waved the doll around. Josh looked over to Tyler before making sure that Mr Trohman wasn't watching before spitting out the pills. Josh glanced back to Tyler and saw him staring intensely at Josh, Josh blushed and hurried to put the pills in his pocket. "No problem." Tyler sang and smiled.

"Joshua." someone called out and Josh almost jumped out of his skin, he had been caught "Phone call, booth one."

Josh nearly cried out in relief, not because of the phone call but to still be safe. He wasn't caught! Josh quickly got up, put his notebook in his back pocket and wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans. He walked towards the phones, looked at the numbers and sat down in booth number one. He picked up the phone and sighed lightly.

"Hello?" he asked, expecting someone in his family to greet back, he started to bite his nail out of boredom.

"Oh. Hold on." he heard a woman's voice, he frowned and waited a second and his mom voice spoke "Josh?"

"Hi, mom." Josh said and continued to bite his nail, he looked around him from where he sat and prepared for his mom's boring update.

"Your dad is on, too." she continued, how lucky weren't Josh "He's just back from reserves. He got stuck in Dulles."

Next you could hear Josh's dad's voice "How are you, son?" and Josh answered with the usual "I'm fine, dad."

"You know, Josh-" and then there was no stoping his mom, she would go on and on and Josh hummed in response. 

Josh's eyes shoot up when he heard loud stumping coming down the hall and he saw Frank coming, hands formed into fists and a pissed expression on his face.  
As he stormed from the nurse expedition, he nearly ran into Andy and Gerard. Of course Josh's mom didn't hear the noise and went happily on talking about neighbours and bake sales. 

"Woah." said Andy and held up his arms, but he still had a warm and kind smile.

"If you can't give me Ex-Lax, can I please have some Colace?" Frank rushed, he sounded desperate and his eyes were no longer angry but pleading.

"No, no. No more laxatives, Frank." Andy said calmly but sternly and walked past Frank. Gerard slowly followed but kept his eyes at Frank as he passed.

"I can get you some prune juice!" Gerard offered in a careful and quiet voice and gave Frank a nod and smile before rushing away.

"Prune juice?!" Frank yelled and he looked like he thought they were joking "This is fucking outrageous!"

Frank stormed past the phone booths where Josh sat observing the scene, went into his room and slammed the door. Josh wondered if he would ever get used to these weird outbreaks and strange behaviours. He sighed as his mom continued to burn a hole into his ear and he started to nod in response even though his mom couldn't see him. After five minutes, around the time when Josh was wondering if he could make up an excuse so he could get of the phone, his butt was numb, his mom told him that there was a call on the other line and she had to go. They said their goodbyes and Josh could finally hang up the phone and stretch. Almost straight across the phones were Frank's room, the 'no trespassing' sign hanged crooked and Josh gathered up the courage to do what he had planned these last five minutes. He took a couple of long strides towards the closed door, paused and took a deep breath before knocking on the door. "Frank?"

"Fuck off." Frank growled from behind the closed door.

"I have something you want." Josh said in a hushed voice, but still loud enough for Frank to hear. Josh looked from the corner of his eye when a nurse passed him and stood quiet until she was out of hearing distance. He looked at the door again and waited for an answer, even if it was a 'fuck off'.

"Come in." Josh could hear Frank say in a calmer but still pissed off manner.

Josh slowly opened the door and stepped in to the room. It was almost identical to Josh and Ray's room, except he didn't have any decoration and his clothes was packed in an opened suitcase that stood on the dresser. Josh walked a few steps in and looked around, even though there was nothing to see. Frank sat on the bed, his eyes never leaving Josh and when Josh made eye contact he could see that his eyes was red from crying. Frank looked down again, Josh noticed then that he had a plate of mashed potatoes on his bed, Frank had made patterns with a fork and but otherwise left it uneaten. Josh stood for a second just watching before he awkwardly walked to the armchair in the corner of the room. He sat down and put his hands in his lap, he didn't know what to say, until he just said the first thing on his mind "You're all packed up." Educated ice breaker, Josh thought.

"Yeah, I'm leaving in a month." Frank said flatly. "My dad got me an apartment."

"Really? Wher-" Josh started to ask but got interrupted by Frank's stern answer.

"It's near the airport." he said and looked up at Josh and looked him up and down "One bedroom, two baths, all-you-can-eat tofu. He fixed it up real nice for me."

"Tofu?" Josh asked, confused. 

"Did I stutter, asshole?" Frank fired back, now angry like a bee again. "So what do you have that I want?"

Josh dug his hand into his pocket, all while watching Frank, he retrieved his hand and when he opened his palm he revealed the two pills. Frank's eyes got wider and his mouth opened, but he closed it fast and straightened his neck and glared at Josh "Put them on the bed."

"Put your's on the bed." a familiar voice came from the doorway. There stood Tyler, he was leaning on the doorframe and he smirked devilishly. 

"For fuck's sake, jesus, get out! Get out!" Frank shrieked at Tyler, but Tyler simply walked in, his kimono dancing around him as he close the door behind him.

"God, don't take advantage just because he's new." Tyler said and looked over to Josh and winked. Josh thought he would explode from blushing, stupid, dumb flower clad idiot. "Frank, take out some Valium."

"Get the fuck out, Tyler, or I swear to God that I'll call for Andy! Andy!" Frank yelled from where he sat on his bed with his mashed potatoes.

"Yeah, why don't you call for Andy" Tyler said and crossed his arms over his chest "Call Andy and ask him for some Colace, like Joshie D got in his fucking hand." 

Josh was definitely blushing now, so much that he couldn't even keep looking at Tyler, why did the asshole keep giving him pet names.

"Why does it stink in here?" Tyler exclaimed next, and waved his thin arms around like he could get the smell to go away. It did stink, Josh noticed, Josh must have been too nervous to notice it before. Frank sighed, tears had began to stream down his cheeks, but it seemed like he didn't even notice. 

"I don't take Valium." he said a-matter-of-factly.

"I know. That's the point. They give them to you and you don't take them." Tyler rolled his eyes. Then he squinted at the pile of mashed potatoes in front of Frank "What- Are you gonna eat that or-" 

Then he got interrupted by a nurse opening and calling "Checks," Tyler turned around and the nurse looked surprised back at him "Hey, you got visitors, Frank."

"I want some fucking Colace." Frank said, emotions almost lost in his voice.

"Talk to Pete tomorrow." the nurse said and backed out of the room and closed the door. Tyler looked back to Frank, this time with a triumphing smile and Frank looked like he could start to cry again. Tyler walked up to the foot of Frank's bed and leaned closer.

"You know what I think, Frankie?" Tyler said and Josh reacted to that pet name too, only this time he felt a little jealous "I think you want it all out, all that shit. It most have been days." Tyler raised an eyebrow and Frank's lip started to quiver. Josh had had enough of this charade and got up from the armchair and reached out his arm.

"Look. I don't care, just take them, Frank." Josh said with a small smile and Frank looked up at him like he said he would get a puppy. But then Tyler interrupted.

"I do! I care!" Tyler said in a loud voice and Josh almost fell backwards in fear and surprise. Tyler looked over at Josh and smirked then straightened up. "So, daddy buys you a private and no one get's in, huh" Tyler continued and walked around the small, boring room. "You never leave, except when Andy makes you go to the cafeteria, where you, eh, never eat. You're a laxative junkie, so I always thought you were like Mikey, but then I see you with a fucking pile of mashed potatoes." Tyler turned around and looked at Frank before leaning against the wall "So what's with that?"

"My dad is the only man with a store that sells none meat products, asshole. I only eat his food and if I eat something else, I puke." Frank said simply.

Tyler did a 'well of course' face and Josh had to get involved "But why do you eat it here? Why not join us in the cafeteria?" and Josh actually thought that would make Frank feel better. 

"Which do you like better." Frank began "Taking a dump alone or with Andy watching?"

Josh found it a silly question and therefore exhaled a laugh "Alone." he answered. He looked over to Tyler, not believing he was talking about this in front of him, but Tyler seemed focused on something on the floor.

"Everyone like to be alone when it comes out." Frank said a-matter-of-factly "I like to be alone when it comes in. For me, eating in the cafeteria is like taking a dump with 20 guys looking."

Suddenly Tyler clapped his hands together "That is fucked up, Frank." he laughed, then he turned around and opened the door. Before walking out, he waved Josh to follow him "Come on."

Josh's eyes widened and he looked from Tyler to Frank then back again. He started to follow and was almost through the door when they heard Frank groan in frustration.

"All right, assholes." Frank growled and got up from the bed and retrieved a small teddy bear on his night stand and Tyler closed the door. Frank pushed his fingers into the bear's neck and pulled out three pills "Fine, here." Frank put the pills on his bed and Tyler smiled and gestured to Josh to do the same thing. Then Tyler snatched the Valium and Frank took the Colace and the both put them in their mouths and swallowed. When Tyler had swallowed he got this evil look on his face and he went around Josh and got on his knees by the bed. He lifted the comforter even though Frank yelled at him not to, then he laughed.

"Dios-fucking-mio." Tyler laughed and Josh had to see for himself. Under the bed was plates upon plates with untouched food, it all smelled horrible and Josh thought he could hear flies fly away from the light. "I guess that how his daddy know's he's eating." Tyler mumbled.

*

Later that night Josh laid alone on his bed in his and Ray's room, writing nonsense into his notebook, accidentally drawing Tyler with his thin frame and flowing kimono. So Josh had been here for about two days, got attacked on the first day by a psychopath, the second day he drew pictures of that same psychopath in his notebook. He must really be crazy, after checking so he hadn't any coal from the pencil on his hands, he rubbed them harshly against his eyes. Crazy, or stupid, or maybe both: crazy stupid. Josh chuckled a little and shook his head, head still in his hands.

"Scribble, scribble, scribble." someone said from behind Josh. Josh must've jumped a feet up in the air, he got that scared, he turned around and saw Tyler standing behind him, smirking as usual. "Written something about me yet?" he asked and raised his eyebrows. Josh hurriedly closed the notebook and looking back up to Tyler, pouting.

"Don't do that." Josh demanded sternly, or as sternly as he could muster. Tyler inspected Josh's entire face before saying a chipper "okay". Then he approached and laid down on the bed by Josh's feet, he still got on that kimono on and it spread out over the bed. Tyler looked with a smirk at Josh and Josh began to sweat, out of all nights why would Ray stay at Bob's later than usual on this one? Josh attempted to push his notebook under his pillow, it was a poor attempt but he couldn't think straight. Tyler would of course not let his eyes leave Josh. As Josh's normal defence mechanism, he blared out the first thing on his mind. 

"Is Frank really leaving?" he asked and looked at Tyler, he bit his lip and he noticed that Tyler's immediately zoomed in on his lips and of course Josh found great joy in that. Tyler looked back up to Josh's eyes.

"Yeah." Tyler answer in a low voice "He coughed up a big one."

"But- I mean how can they- I mean, he's insane!" Josh exclaimed and made a hand gesture like he didn't know what to believe.

"Well, yeah, that's what ther-rape-me is all about." Tyler answered and raised his eyebrows, he was supporting himself on his elbows as he laid on his back, he let his head hang down between his shoulders and he looked up to the ceiling. "That's why Iero's fucking picture is on every shrink's wall. He'll create a fucking industry. You lie down, confess your secrets and you're saved." Tyler said and chuckled, leaning his head so he could watch Josh again. 

Josh started to think, if that was his key to get out, then it should be easy. Only, he didn't have a secret, everything he told the shrinks was true, it's just that they didn't believe him. Josh frowned, looked around the room for a while, trying to gather his thoughts before looking at Tyler again and opened his mouth.

"What if I don't have a secret?" Josh asked quietly and searched Tyler's face for answers. But before he found any, Tyler started to shift position so he was on his knees on Josh's bed, facing Josh. Josh swallowed and his entire body rushed with adrenaline when Tyler looked down at him, eyes dark and then, fuck, he started to lean down. Josh first instinct was to scramble way, but he hit the headboard of the bed and only made it easier for Tyler to slink in between Josh's legs. When Tyler stopped moving he had one hand on each side of Josh, hips dangerously close to Josh's and his face inches from Josh's. Tyler looked long and deep into Josh's eyes and Josh did the same to Tyler's. Tyler's dark brown eyes was like almost as dark as the night sky, and Josh must have imagine seeing stars when he looked long enough. Josh's entire body was tense like a violin string and he must have forgot how to breath properly, because his breathing was all shaky. And finally Tyler spoke, warm air meeting Josh's lips and he licked them in response.

"Then, Joshie, you're a lifer, just like me." and Tyler's lips met Josh's. Josh didn't know what to do, with all this adrenaline, he could run a mile, but instead his hand came up to grab the back of Tyler's head, fingers brushing his soft hair. He had never felt like this, sure he had have sex before, but nothing made him feel like this, so alive. And Tyler started to press in to the kiss more and Josh did the same, when Tyler opened his mouth so did Josh and Josh did nothing to stop Tyler's tongue to meet his. Josh had to moan into Tyler's mouth from how good it felt, Tyler growled low and one of his hands pushed Josh further into his pillow and the other one pinned Josh's arm above his head, against the headboard. Tyler's hips just barley brushed against Josh's and Josh went crazy of how close they were. But then Tyler broke of the kiss, hovered above Josh for a moment while panting, one of the exhales came out as a husky chuckle and Tyler leaned back down again to bite Josh's lower lip. Josh shut his eyes, let out a breathy moan and made an attempt to get back to kissing. 

But then Tyler scrambled away, away from Josh, off the bed and not until Tyler reached the door did he turn around to look at Josh who laid confused and exposed on the bed. Tyler smirked and before opening the door and walking out he said in a low voice "You're fucking mine now, Joshie."


	6. Chapter 6

Josh couldn't sleep that night. After Tyler had left, Josh was left staring at the door, wondering if he wanted Tyler to come back or if he never wanted to see that smug ass face ever again. He didn't move a muscle for a long while, just laid with his arm above his head and legs spread, like Tyler had left him. He didn't snap out of his trance until a nurse came in to do checks, making Josh jerk of fright, the nurse left after giving Josh a weird look. When Josh heard the door close once again he sighed and sat up properly, running his hands through hair before pulling of his t-shirt and quickly got under the sheets (what if Tyler would have walked in, in that moment). Josh rolled over to his side so his back faced the door, he traced the pattern of the wall as he already done and tried not to think about Tyler. But, God, what a kiss. Josh felt absolutely like a teenaged girl who had her first kiss, but he couldn't stop remembering how good everything had felt at that moment and he found himself wanting more. Josh definitely tried not to think about what Tyler had said before leaving, because when he did, he unmistakably felt something happening in his pants. 

Luckily Ray opened the door and walked into the room at that moment, not that Josh turned around but pretended to sleep, but he focused on what Ray was doing instead of his own thoughts. Unfortunately, Ray went straight to his own bed and fell asleep almost immediately, since soft snores could be heard after a minute of silence. Josh was left with his own thoughts again.

*

After Josh woke up, he must've fallen asleep out of exhaustion, the morning carried on like the one before. Except Josh was of course in a daze, the kind of small-smile-but-chocked-eyes daze. Ray would ask if everything was okay and when Josh smiled with a bigger smile than he intended Ray shrugged and walked out of the room. Josh who still acted like a teenaged girl strode over to his dresser and just happened to pull out the black jeans he knew looked good on him. He pulled on a red t-shirt and put his snapback on his head, he looked over to the small mirror over Ray's dresser, jumped up and down for some reason before walking out and continuing the day. 

At breakfast Bob and Ray would whisper to Josh that they had broke into the art room last night, playing instruments through the fence and drawing dicks on the desks. They laughed and looked around, like they thought someone had heard. Josh accidentally told them that he had played drums, Bob's eyes got all huge and he wouldn't stop talking to Josh about it, drowning him in questions. Not until the other guys came did Bob stop his uncontrollable focus on Josh to tell Patrick about drawing dicks on desks, which made Patrick laugh out loud and clapping his hands. That's when Josh felt a finger tracing up his back and it sent shivers through his spine, he jerked away and was going to look behind him but Tyler sat down next to him before he could. 

"Good morning, guys and dolls." Tyler said in a singing voice, glanced over to Josh and made sure Josh saw him licking his lips. Josh had to look away, blushing.

The other guys guys greeted back, Mikey did by blowing smoke into Tyler's face and Bob couldn't had told the dick drawing story fast enough. Tyler would laugh and telling Bob he couldn't wait to see, that's when Josh felt fingers slightly brush against his thigh and he jumped high enough to hit his legs on the table. He cursed and the other's in the group watched him, Tyler of course smirked and Josh apologised quietly.

"You know, Tyler!" Bob suddenly piped up, looking like a kid on Christmas "Josh plays drums, did you know that, he hasn't played for a while, but I bet he's, like, a master of drums or something."

Josh blushed even harder and looked down on his hands in his lap.

"Really, Josh?" Tyler said huskily, closer than Josh expected and his heart almost fell out of his chest "You never told me that."

"Oh, you know, I not a master, I-I just played when I had nothing else to do, and that was a lot of times and I just liked it, but no master, I don't even know if I'm good!" Josh blared out, words tumbling on each other and face bright red. Mikey said a small 'woah', in response of the almost unintelligible sentence. 

"You and Josh could totally play something together!" Ray exclaimed, like he thought it was a great idea "You on piano and Josh on drums, you could play Norwegian Wood or something else cool!" 

"I-I don't-" Josh began but Tyler interrupted.

"Oh, Josh. Wouldn't it be fun, we just need some alone time to practice and that's it!" Tyler cooed and Josh felt his fingers back on his thigh, which made him hit his legs on the table again. 

"I- You.. I can't now, you know, got an appointment with Dr Wentz and my parents are coming, you know, and besides y-you must have something better to do, like.. like..." Josh stuttered out, but his argument sounded weak even in his own ears, what would Tyler be busy doing in this place.

"Josh, I'll wait for you." Tyler said and laughed "I've got nothing fucking else but time and besides, I have to be simulated in some way." Tyler continued in an amused ton of voice and Josh could see Mikey raising his eyebrows.

"Joshua, your parents have arrived." a nurse called from the door that led to the corridor "I have to ask you to come right away, thank you."

Josh had never felt such relief, he shot up, well aware that everyone around the table was watching, especially Tyler. Josh waved a small goodbye and walked in a fast pace towards the nurse who still waited for him at the doors, when Josh approached she turned around and led him to the living room. His parents sat waiting there, his mom on the couch and his dad on one of the armchair's, they sat in silence. When they saw that the nurse and Josh approached they stood up, smiled stern smiles and hugged their son. They were clearly uncomfortable being in a mental institution ward and Josh couldn't decide if seeing their son made it better or worse. 

"Please, sit down, I'll call for you when Dr Wentz is free." the nurse said kindly and continued walking down the corridor.

Josh and his parents sat down in the living room and it got awkwardly quiet. 

*

"I was changing his diaper," Josh's mom began in a shaky voice "I turned to get the powder and while my back was turned, he rolled of the bed. He rolled of the bed and broke his leg. The doctor put him in a body cast, but also strapped him down."

Josh was looking out the window, he was incredibly bored and sitting in this thickly tense atmosphere didn't help him gather his thoughts, thoughts about a certain over touchy guy. But hearing the story that his mom was telling made him frown and look over to where his parents sat across the room. "You never told me this." Josh said, annoyed that his mother would bring up such a useless story.

"Carl had been planning this trip to Santa Monica." his mother went on without acknowledging her son "He had a commitment at RAND. So we took Josh with us. In the back seat, strapped to this-this board, for 4000 miles." then his mother broke down crying and Josh could honestly not tell you what was going on. 

"If you like, Mrs Dun, we can discuss this further, on the way out..." Dr Wentz suggested and waved his pointing finger trying to tell Josh's parents to not talk about it.

"Just for how long is my son going to be here?" Josh's dad almost shouted out from nowhere, Josh just sat and watched the scene unfold.

"With all due respect, Mr Dun, psychiatry and economics are different." Dr Wentz explained in a tired voice "The length of Joshua's stay isn't fixed. It depends on his response to treatment."

"For what? Depression?" Josh's dad fired back and Josh hated that they talked like he wasn't in the room "Look, it's almost Christmas. What do we say to the people back home who cares about him?"

That's when Josh couldn't take it anymore. He tossed the bag of sweets, that his mom made sure to give him in front of Dr Wentz, back and forth between his hands and tried to control his anger before speaking.

"See, what's going on here is that my parents are having a little holiday cocktail Christmas party crisis." Josh explained to Dr Wentz and waved his hands and candy bag around in fake distress. It had always been this way, his parents caring more about image than anything else.

"Joshua!" Dr Wentz exclaimed and Josh cocked his eyebrows and said 'what?'. Josh looked over to his parents and were met with his dad's stone face and his mom's upset one. His mom was looking at Dr Wentz, then at Josh and back to Dr Wentz again.

"What is the 'borderline' business you mentioned?" Josh's mom and Josh head shoot up and he looked over to Dr Wentz with wide eyes.

"Ehh," Dr Wentz stumbled and straightened up in his chair "I don't think that's useful for Joshua. I mean, not that-"

"What 'borderline business'?!" Josh exclaimed, dropped the stupid sweets on the floor and gripped the armrest hard out of anger.

"The mind-" Dr Wentz began and tried to keep his voice calm.

"Borderline what?" Josh yelled "Borderline between what and what? Dr Wentz?"

Dr Wentz sighed "It's a condition, Joshua. And it's called Borderline Personality Disorder."

"Oh God!" Josh's mom cried out and Josh glared at her and leaned back, feeling annoyed. He looked out of the window again, wishing this session would end so he could go and punch a wall.

"It's fairy common," Dr Wentz tried to comfort Josh's mom "Especially among young people, like Joshua." 

"What causes it?" Josh's mom sniffled, holding up an napkin to her lips.

"We are really not sure." Dr Wentz and began to say something else when Josh interrupted.

"Is it genetic?" he asked with an emotionless voice. 

"Oh, Christ!" Josh's dad complained and looked disgusted.

"It's five times more common among those with a borderline... parent." Dr Wentz said slowly and carefully looked over to Josh's mom.

"I-I can't do this. I'm sorry, I can't. I can't do this." Josh's mom cried, Josh's dad nodded and helped his wife up out the chair. Josh's mom cried the entire way out of the ward and must've forgotten to say goodbye, because now Josh stood by the window looking while his parents drove off and feeling abandoned. When the car was out of sight, Josh still stood there for a while and watched the rain fall from the grey skies. He sighed and looked behind him, it was still early and there were no one he knew in the TV room, the rest must still be in the dining hall. Josh started to walk, dragging his feet and looking down at the floor, he didn't feel like being alone right know. He heard cheerful voices as he approached the cafeteria and he thought he could hear Patrick's chipper laugh, it already lifted his mood. But then the door to the art room opened and a hand came out and grabbed Josh t-shirt and pulled him in. Josh didn't have time to scream before the door shut behind him and he got pressed against. He stared terrified up at the person who had him pinned, then he got calmer but then quickly frantic when he saw it was Tyler.

"So, what's your diag-nonsense?" Tyler whispered, but there was no reason to whisper, because they were alone in the big room. Josh just looked up at him, into his eyes, it felt good to be near Tyler again, almost like he belonged.

"I have a borderline personality." Josh said, barley audible. Josh hadn't even began to wonder what Tyler's reaction would be, it could be anything from anger to laughter. 

"Well, that's nothing. What else?" Tyler asked and smirked, Josh must have imagined Tyler leaning closer, just an inch closer. 

Josh huffed "He didn't say. He thought it would affect my recovery." Josh rolled his eyes, then Tyler backed away and Josh thought he had done something wrong but then Tyler took his hand. His breath hitched and as Tyler backed further into the room Josh followed. He looked up at Tyler, Tyler bit his lip and motioned with his head to the left wall, Josh looked over and saw that the storage that held the instruments was opened. Josh looked back at Tyler, raising a questioning eyebrow.

"I talked to Andy, turns out you told everyone of your burning love of drumming except me." Tyler said, Josh began to say it wasn't like that but Tyler laughed "So, thanks to my amazing charm, Andy agreed to open the fence just for you and me today."

"You didn't have to go through so much trouble." Josh mumbled, blushed and squeezed Tyler's hand a little harder, then loosed when he started to worry about his hands sweating. Tyler rolled his eyes and led Josh towards the storage. They went in and Josh could see all kinds of instruments, guitars, a piano, a drum set, a ukulele and a harmonica. Tyler stopped when they reached the drum set, turned to Josh and lightly pushed him down on the drum stool. Then Tyler backed away and leaned against the piano. 

"Tyler.. I have never played in front of anyone before." Josh mumbled and traced the drums scratches with his finger "I begged my parents for my drums, they put them in the basement and I only played when I was home alone. I can hardly even talk in front of people, much less play instruments." Josh laughed, it was a kind of sad laugh.

"It shows too many emotions, huh?" Tyler asked from where he stood, Josh shrugged but he knew Tyler was right "Yeah, I know what you mean." Tyler said, then walked around the piano and sat on the stool in front of it "I hate playing in front of people too." But as he said that he slowly started to press down keys, then he picked up the pace. He had closed his eyes, sometimes he hummed something that could be words, but mostly he just nodded his head and Josh thought he was beautiful like that. Then Tyler stopped and looked up, smirked towards Josh.

"What song was that?" Josh asked, almost at a loss for words.

Tyler shrugged "Made it myself." Tyler said and looked down at the keys again and played a couple of random ones.

"What's it called?" Josh asked, he could feel his entire face light up because, God, Tyler had written that himself and it was beautiful.

Tyler looked over to Josh again, his eyes got slightly wider and Josh worried that there was something on his face, Tyler kept looking at Josh without saying anything before answering "I thought I'd call it 'Addict With A Pen' or something, I don't know, I haven't come up with any lyrics yet."

"It was beautiful." Josh blared out and he blushed, but then Tyler was smiling and Josh thought the blushing was worth it.

"It's your turn, Josh." Tyler said and tested Josh by squinting at him, Josh was just about to protest when Tyler shook his head "Now, Josh, why would you go and ruin a perfect setting?" 

Josh pouted, he really didn't want to ruin it, he looked around the room until he found two drumsticks on the floor. He picked them up and studied them, seeing the tiniest dick drawn on it and thought it must have been Bob's work. Josh inhaled deeply before starting, the first loud sound that the top hat made, made him jump. But then he gather himself again and he must have blacked out or something because the next thing he knew was that he was covered in sweat and Tyler stood next to him, looking down at him with an unreadable face. Josh stopped, panted hard and looked up at Tyler with chocked eyes. Then Tyler's mouth was on his again, it was a rough kiss and Josh almost fell backwards on the drums, but Tyler pulled him up just in time and then suddenly Josh was pinned against the piano. It was fast, Tyler's hands were everywhere and they both wanted it so much. Josh who already had been panting, found it really hard to get enough oxygen, but then again, fuck it, best way to faint ever. But then he had to pull off, his hands came up to Tyler's head to keep him near and it didn't seem like Tyler was going anywhere, because he was pressing open mouthed kisses all over Josh's neck. Josh moaned, because Tyler really hit the sweet spot right on the head and when he noticed Josh's reaction he wouldn't leave it alone.

"Wh-what happened?" Josh panted, because he still didn't know what the fuck happened when he played drums and it was confusing to go from shy to sweaty to making out with Tyler.

"Fuck, Josh, you really don't know how amazing you are, do you?" Tyler growled against his skin, then gripped Josh's hips hard and Josh could literally feel his neck bruise from Tyler's rough kisses. Josh was beginning to get a little scared, because Tyler had become a little too aggressive and Josh feared that the piano would tilt over from being pushed so hard against it.

"T-Tyler, you have to s-stop." Josh said, steadying his hands on the piano and closing his eyes tightly "The piano gonna fall over."

"Fuck the piano." Tyler growled, but he backed away and wiped his lips with the back of his hand. Tyler looked over at Josh like he was trying to figure something out. Then he stepped closer to Josh again, Josh swallowing audibly and watched Tyler's every move. Tyler hovered over Josh, pressed two of his fingers under Josh's chin.

"Tongue your meds tonight." Tyler whispered, this time there where more reason to keep quiet "After 1.00 checks, Gerard always goes out for a smoke. Check the mirrors in the ceiling to see if it's clear. Then come back in here, the door will be open."

And just like that, Tyler was walking away, again.

"Tyler." Josh panted and Tyler stopped "What did you mean last night? About me being yours?"

Tyler slowly turned around, a sly smirk on his lips and his eyes where like a cat's watching it's prey "I meant what I fucking said, but don't worry Josh, it has only just started."

Then Tyler was out of sight and Josh got pissed that Tyler always would leave him with more questions than answers.

* 

At 1.00 a.m Josh stood leaned against the wall in the corridor. He had slept the entire day, because grey weather made him tired, playing drums made him tired, kissing aggressive pianists made him tired. And then when his meds-in-a-cup came, he had obeyed Tyler and hid them under his tongue until he could spit them out. Now he was looking intensely up at the mirror that showed him the nurses office, when he saw Gerard looking away he would crouch and sneak past. He continued down the hall until he reached the door to the art room and he slowly and quietly opened it. Inside he could see not only Tyler, but the whole gang. Josh had been wondering where Ray had been off to, because when he woke up he had been nowhere to be seen. But now they all stood in the art room and they all looked like they were waiting on him, Patrick even saluted him when he stepped in. They all looked happy though, and Tyler waved for them all to follow him, but they still had to be quiet. At the back of the room was a door, a boring dark brown door and Josh could never guess where it led to. When Tyler reached it, he held out his arm and let Patrick step forward. Surprisingly Patrick was a very good lock pick and he opened the door within seconds, when he did, he let everyone go in and everyone would pat his shoulder or head. The door led to, what Josh thought was, a scary looking tunnel. You could not see the end of it and the lights that lit up the darkness kept flickering. But when the door shut the guys began to giggle and bounce, it made Josh feel a little safer. They walked down and then turnrd right, Bob pulled on Josh's sleeve, wondering if he had seen the dicks he drew and Josh laughed and said how kick ass they were. That made Bob skip around all the way to the next door, Patrick kneeled down again, he had a little more struggle with this one but eventually got it open. 

"Good thing this place has a sliding scale." Mikey mumbled when he went through the door "We get to mingle with the lock picking trash." But then he looked at Patrick and smiled and Patrick giggled back and wiggled his eyebrows.

And when they went through the door, Bob pressed the power switch and Josh couldn't be more surprised at what he saw. A fucking bowling lane. Patrick and Bob jumped with happiness, Tyler went to sit by the side and Josh stood where he was. Patrick was the first one to reach the bowling ball, he lifted it up and threw it across the lane and it ended up knocking five pins. Patrick received applause and he put his hand in the air and then bowed down. Tyler laughed. Mikey put the pins back, amazingly fast while smoking at the same time, then he called over.

"Eyy, Josh, you're up!" 

Josh got all chilly in his stomach, he had never been good at bowling. So he waved his hands to say 'no' "No, no, no. I've only done this once in my life." But of course that wasn't a good excuse. All the other encouraged him to do it, pleading him to, saying that they came all this way. Josh looked over to Tyler and he raised his eyebrows before smiling a challenging smile. Josh threw up his hands in defeat and all the others cheered. Mikey rolled the ball back, Ray picked it up and gave it to Josh. Josh put his fingers in the holes, looked from the ball to the pins in a form of aiming and threw the ball away, trying to mimic how Patrick had done it. The ball rolled much slower though, all stood silent watching it move and when it reached the pins it ended up knocking over eight. They all cheered and Josh actually jumped up and down with excitement.

The game continued, all took turns in throwing the ball. Ray always bit his fingers after throwing, Bob had this technique were he sat down while throwing his and Mikey had to throw with two hands because of his lack of muscles. The only one that didn't play was Tyler, but he sat beside them, shouting cheerfully, tried to encourage and 'accidentally' touching Josh's butt when Josh sat down next to him.

This felt good, Josh realised, almost like he belonged. And then he realised that he had felt the same feeling twice on one day. That never happened at home.

*

They were walking through the tunnels again, as usual Josh didn't know to where, but he followed anyway. Josh listened to Mikey as he told Josh that they had built the tunnels so the loons didn't have to go out in the cold and Josh made a joke about not seeing that in the brochure and all laughed. They reached a door and Patrick did his lock-pick-magic and they went out of the cold, dark tunnels and into a warm, dark room. Tyler led the way, but they all stopped dead in their tracks when the lights went on. Tyler head snapped back and he could see that Ray had switched the lights on. Tyler strode over, smacked Ray in the face before turning of the lights.

"What the fuck do you think you doing?" Tyler hissed before taking the lead again, Ray stood still for a second, covering his cheek with his hand before following the others.

Josh was a little taken aback, sure, they were on a dangerous mission, but surely Tyler didn't have to hit Ray. Josh silently followed and they went into a room that he now recognised, Dr Wentz's office. The other's spread out and started to search through papers, Josh stayed at the door frame and watched, he say Tyler going over to a bookcase and turning a small desk lamp on. He pulled out a binder, walked over to the desk, sat down and helped himself to one of Dr Wentz cigarettes. 

"All right," he said when he had lit the cigarette, then he held out a file "Ray Toro."

Ray got up, without looking Tyler in the eye, but when he tried to take it Tyler held on which forced Ray to look at him and Tyler let go. 

"Joshua Dun." he spoke next, mimicking Mr Trohman's voice. Josh got up and took the file, it was labeled with his name and when he opened it he saw that it was all Dr Wentz notes about him. 

"Bob Bryar." Tyler went on, "Patrick Stump, congratulations." he called next and Patrick took it and said a formal 'thank you'. "Mikey Way." he called and tossed the file on the floor in front of Mikey, who looked tired and weak. "Tyler Joseph." he said finally and opened his own file. 

Everyone read their files in silence, except Mikey who would make complaining noises about what he read and Ray scratching his head. Josh looked up and saw that Bob had picked up a photograph in his hand and Josh could see a clipped out article in his file, something that included the word 'fire', but Josh was too far away to see. He looked back down at his file, turned page and continued to read with a frown.

"Diagnostic Impression At Admission:

1\. Psychoneurotic depressive reaction.  
2\. Highly intelligent, but in denial of his condition.  
3\. Personality pattern disturbance, resistant, mixed type. R/O Undifferentiated Schizophrenia. 

Established diagnosis:  
Borderline Personality Disorder."

Josh could hear Tyler huff from where he sat at the desk "Well, fuck you, Pete." he mumbled. Josh looked over and so did Mikey. 

"Wanna see mine?" Mikey asked and smirked around his cigarette "Let me see yours."

Tyler smirked back, closed his file, gave it to Mikey when he came over and received Mikey's in return .

"Hmm," Mikey hummed and Tyler chuckled "'Tyler Joseph. Highs and lows increasingly severe. Controlling relationships with patients. No appreciable response to meds. No remission observed.' That was before you ran away." Mikey pointed out. 

"My trial was filed as a crazy, suicidal headcase." Tyler mused.

"Tyler thinks his shit because he's a sociopath." Mikey joked and rolled his eyes.

"I'm a sociopath." Patrick piped up, looking up from his file.

"No, you're a pumpkin-head." Tyler answered and grinned. 

Josh went over to one of the bookcases and pulled out a book explaining mental illnesses.

"'Borderline Personality Disorder.'" he read out load when he found the page "'An instability of self image, relationships and mood. Uncertainty about goals. Impulsive in activities that are self damaging, such as casual sex.'" Josh ignored Tyler's comment on how he liked the sound of that "'Social contrariness and generally pessimistic attitude are often observed.' Well, that's me." Josh finished feeling defeated.

"That's everybody." Tyler chuckled and took a drag of his cigarette.

"I mean, what kind of sex isn't casual?" Josh went on.

"They mean promiscuous, you know, easy." Mikey said in a 'duh' voice.

"I'm not easy." Josh said, a mixture of embarrassment and anger painted his face. He looked over at Tyler and, boy, did that fucker have the biggest shit eating smirk ever. "I'm not!" Josh exclaimed.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mention of suicide

The next day was a daze of Patrick's laughter, Bob's continuous blabber about drums and Mikey's jokes about even his weak ass beating Josh at bowling. At breakfast the entire group was tired, but worse than normal tiredness: the giggly kind of exhausted. And Josh found out that it was hard to eat breakfast when literally everything made him burst out in giggles, like Ray trying on Josh's snapback and that one pun Patrick made.

After that sad excuse for breakfast, Bob would dance around Josh until he agreed to come with them to the art room, which Josh had no problem with because it was no point in being giggly exhausted alone. As they walked towards the opened doors of the art room, Josh noticed that Tyler would stay two steps away from the group, not saying much but watching intensely. That made Josh feel indescribably frustrated, not only did he have to adapt to everything new around him, but also to Tyler's uncontrollable mood swings. Josh could not understand how one person could go from threatening to charming, funny to violent, vulnerable to sexually aggressive as fast as Tyler. Josh felt frustrated that he felt himself liking someone he didn't even begin to understand, he could never know who the 'real' Tyler was or not, maybe it was all him or nothing. Josh would look over to him, he would look back and refuse to break eye contact, and Josh would wonder if he was trying to tell him something. 

When the group entered the art room, Bob would drag Josh towards the drums with such force that Josh almost fell over his own feet. Before he knew it, he was once again sitting on the stool in front of the drums and Bob thrusted drumsticks into his hands. Josh would of course explain that he never played in front of people, looking at Tyler from the corner of his eye, who was staring down at a blank piece of paper, deeply in thought.

"Aw, come on, Josh!" Bob complained, like a kid trying to argue with his parents "Ray said you were a master, that you inherited your grandfather's drumming skills when he passed away, like a ghost passing on music magic!"

"I-uh." Josh began, not knowing where Ray got all that fantasy to make these stories up "It's really... Nothing at all like that. I just play in my parents basement.”

"Don't be shy! I know a magician won't share his magic tricks, but I won't tell!" Bob pleaded, and Josh looked up at the burned, overgrown kid next to him and he couldn't help himself from feeling pity.

"I'm not a magician." Josh sighed and rolled his eyes "But alright, I'll play something simple, but then I want you to play."

"Really?" Bob said, and you know in cartoons where the characters eyes would sparkle when they saw or heard something they liked, Bob was as close to doing that in real life than Josh ever seen "Like, really really? You would let me play?"

Josh got confused and uncertain, he looked over to the nurses who supervised the patients and wondered if Bob was banned from the drums. But then again, if that was the case they wouldn't let him near the drums and as he looked out over the room he could see Andy smiling at them. Josh looked up at Bob again, this time smiling, thinking 'what the hell'.

"Okay, look here, this is, like, the simple rock beat." Josh began "You hit this one, it's called cymbal, four times." Josh demonstrated, hitting the cymbal four times before looking up at Bob who was listening carefully. "On the first beat of the cymbal, you hit this, it's called the bass drum." Josh pressed down the pedal of the bass drum and Bob cheered with glee, telling Josh that was his favourite.

Most of the morning and afternoon passed like that, Josh playing and Bob mimicking. Josh had to say, Bob had potential but more often than not he would frown while beating the cymbal four times over and over again. After a while Ray came over, interested in the progress and he ended up hitting the snare-drum on the third beat, which helped a lot. So first it sounded like: ONE, two, RAY, four. ONE, two, RAY, four! Which made Josh laugh for about half an hour. But after a while, Bob and Ray could play without speaking and it sounded decent. Then Mikey came over, taking down the guitar from the wall and stated playing a very untuned version of " Kumbaya" in beat of the drums and Josh laughed until he was in tears. 

*

Later that night, Josh sat in the TV room, the excitement from earlier had died down. The previous tiredness had gone to walking-dead tiredness so after dinner Ray, Bob and Patrick had almost crawled to their beds and had been sleeping soundly ever since. Tyler had disappeared while the others had been playing drums, hadn't showed up for dinner and was locked behind the door of his room. And eventually Mikey had been bored of whatever was on TV and walked to his room, mumbling something like 'hate when Gerard's not working'. 

So now Josh sat by himself, writing nothing particular in his book, in fact he was stuck on writing question marks all over the paper. When he looked up, all he was met with was a nurse dozing off and a boy playing with a doll underneath a table. Josh sighed, contemplated going to sleep but then he looked down at the page filled with question marks and figured he wouldn't be able to sleep anyway. He slowly got up, as not to wake up the nurse and bother the boy and tiptoed over to Mikey's room. When he stood outside the door, decided to knock right away, so he wouldn't change his mind and walk away. Josh stood waiting for a moment and when the door opened he got startled. Mikey raised his eyebrows when Josh held his hand in front of his chest, Josh exhaled an awkward laugh in form on gathering himself.

"Hi, Mikey." Josh whispered, looking up at Mikey "I would like to talk to you... About Tyler."

Mikey stood leaning against the wall just watching Josh for a while, a slight smile appeared before he answered.

"Got smokes?" he asked, Josh just stared for a while, not understanding but then he snapped out of it and nodded his head almost violently.

Mikey backed away from the door, making room for Josh to enter, which he slowly did and Mikey shut the door behind him. The first thing that struck Josh was that he had seen a glimpse of this room before, on the first day when he passed with Andy and saw the boy with the doll. That meant Mikey shared room with the doll boy, who was in the TV room playing with said doll. The other thing that struck Josh was how different this room was from his and Ray's. There were tons of stuff in this room, books and comics were almost covering all the walls from floor to ceiling. There were dolls and other interesting decorations, like, was that a bat paperweight? Sick!

"Having a brother working here has it's ups." Mikey said from behind Josh, sounding just a tad pleased "He convinced Dr Wentz that I couldn't get better without my stuff, either Dr Wentz bought it or he got sick of Gerard's nagging, but here we are: in the shit." 

"This calls for a sleep over, dude." Josh said amazed while he looked at a stack of vinyls.

"But I guess you didn't come in here to sleep in the same room as me, but to sleep in the same room as Tyler." Mikey said playfully and Josh felt it was useless to argue since his face went bright red to show Mikey was right "Whatever," Mikey went on "first things first."

Mikey reached out his hand and waited, Josh pulled out the pack of cigarettes from his pocket and handed them to Mikey. Mikey took one out, put it in between his lips and moan when he lit it.

"Gerard, that bastard, forgot to give me a pack yesterday and he won't work until tomorrow, can you understand that pain?" Mikey laughed "I've been blackmailing Frank for smokes, saying I will tell Gerard about his disgusting hidden mashed potatoes if he didn't let me bum some."

"You can keep it, I'm trying to cut back anyway." Josh said, gesturing to the pack.

"In this place? Good luck." Mikey mumbled and took a drag of his cigarette "But thanks anyway, to pay back the favour, I will now tell you everything I know about Tyler, I expected you to ask one of these days, you and Tyler's attraction is clear as day." 

Josh had never blushed as much as he had done living here and he found that he wasn't very fond of it. But he kept quiet as Mikey sat down on his bed and gestured Josh to sit across from him in the armchair. Josh did.

"So, Tyler," Mikey started after Josh had sat down "Tricky motherfucker. I came here two years ago, when I was seventeen and by that time Tyler had already been here three years. So he has been here since he was fifteen, after three years he had pretty much cracked the code of this place, he and Nick acted like fucking kings. Nick, the one who slept in the bed you sleep in now, was a pretty severe schizo. He would scream at night, Ray said it was because he had some extreme sex dreams, but the poor fucker saw messed up things. He was never evil, sure he was a dick sometimes, but the better kind of dick. After Tyler left he went fucking off the walls crazy, he couldn't cope, screaming night and day. We all knew what had happened when the screaming stopped, it's beyond me how he got a volleyball net, wished hard enough? I don't know."

Mikey paused there to dump his cigarette in an ashtray on the nightstand.

"Anyway, you must be thinking 'why are you telling me of Nick, all I want is sweet, wonderful Tyler.'" Mikey said in a girly voice and laughed when Josh glared "Well, I guess you can say that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Yesterday you heard his file, in theory he is a possessive, aggressive bipolar schizophrenic, but we all know that we can't pinpoint him, he's a never-seen-before kind of fuck up. But can I tell you something cheesy, like, every romance ever cheesy queasy?" Mikey asked, and Josh shrugged "He's changed since you got here. Like, I haven't seen him in the art room since Nick mixed his own blood with white paint to make a pink rabbit. I don't know what you're doing but keep up the good work."

Josh sat quietly, looking out the barred window, trying to digest all this new knowledge, feeling dizzy but he blamed his exhaustion for that. Mikey took the silence as an opportunity to light another cigarette.

"But I don't understand, like, his emotions. One second he's happy, then the other one he's pissed and I keep wondering what I'm doing to trigger him, what can I do different?" Josh asked defeated.

"Dude, are you new to mental illnesses?" Mikey laughed "All that confusion and emotion doesn't come from your surroundings but from inside. And you have to work like a bitch to chance who you are, but you know, who you are is comfortable, even the uncomfortable parts. You have to understand that you have to change, but that's fucking tough, because you are used to the bad parts, addicted, blind, whatever." Mikey said with a blank expression "And you are trying to be a savior, it's not impossible but damn close. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you have to understand that it's him not you that upsets him, Tyler wants you close because the 'real' him can probably feel it working against the darkness and that's a start." Mikey watched Josh closely and Josh kept eye contact, like it was a proof of strength, but Mikey shook his head "Josh, it's all fine and dandy that you want to help Tyler, but you're a patient here too, hate to break it to you, borderline, was it? Be safe."

And so they sat quiet in up to five minutes, Mikey balancing cigarette after cigarette in between his fingers, Josh's eyes slowly inspecting everything in the room from where he sat.

"How do you feel about Frank getting out?" Josh finally asked.

"If he gets out of here, I'll fucking take all that uneaten animal-friendly food from under his bed and jab it down his throat, asking if he's really fucking cured." Mikey said flatly, sounding absolutely serious "It's fucking unfair."

They sat in silence a couple of more minutes before Mikey sighed and suggested that it was enough for tonight, Josh agreed and got up.

"Mikey.." Josh began, planning the best way of thanking him, because woah, Josh had something to work with now. At least he hoped so, but then Mikey interrupted.

"Dude, don't." Mikey said in a tired voice "Eye for an eye." and he waved the pack of cigarettes in Josh's face.

*

That night Josh had trouble sleeping again, and he was starting to regret tonguing his sleeping pills and flushing them down the toilet. But he kept thinking about what Mikey had said, about all that comes from within and of course Mikey was right, Josh was stupid. He might be new to mental illnesses but not to inner demons. His parents had always been religious and when he was younger his mother would talk nonstop about demons who would take home in the human body. Especially after his father started drinking a little too much on a daily basis, it must have been his mom's nagging and not a blessing that got him off the stuff. But something that his mom used quote from the Bible came into his mind now: "When the unclean spirit has gone out of a person, it passes through waterless places seeking rest, and finding none it says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’" If an unclean spirit is inside of Tyler, it needed to leave him the fuck alone and find a new home. 

Then Josh wondered what the different between a soulless man and a demon infested man was, was soulless emptiness and demons wanting more? In that case, Tyler couldn't be soulless, because Tyler was the opposite of empty: he was filled to the brim. Emotions flooding in from every angle of his being, no escape, no rest. Josh sat up because all these thoughts were too much and on top of that he kept thinking that it was even worse for Tyler. Josh looked over to Ray, he was sleeping soundly, his fingers twisting slightly like a dog dreaming about hunting a prey. Josh got up, took his snapback and put it on his pillow, trying to make it look like he was still in bed. Then he tiptoed to the door, opening it slowly and quietly, peeping his head out the door, making sure that no nurse was up and about. It was dark in the corridor, the only light that came in was the moon light through the barred windows. When he saw that the corridor was empty, he took a few uncertain steps out into the corridor but then he quickly continued down the hallway, towards the room at the end of it. When he reached it, he was about to knock, but he changed his mind and whispered.

"Tyler." but he wasn't sure Tyler could hear him or if he even was awake, but he stood and waited it silence anyway. 

Then the door opened and in the moon light Josh could see Tyler. But less Tyler, if that makes sense, messy hair, messy eyes, messy mind. 

"It's not good for you to be here at night, Josh." Tyler said hoarsely, not looking at Josh but behind him, up at the ceiling.

"Is it worse at night?" Josh asked, voice barley audible, but he already knew the answer.

"This isn't really the time for diag-nonsense, Joshie." Tyler said, but he had a little humor in his tone, a little more life.

"I just want to help." Josh mumbled, tugging at the hem of his t-shirt "I want you to change for the better."

Then there were a long pause, how long Josh couldn't tell you, his eyes were fixed downwards the entire time.

"Yeah." Tyler finally answer and Josh looked up "It's worse at night."

"Will you let me help?" Josh whispered, hopefully, not that he knew the exact plan but first things first.

"Please." Tyler whispered and Josh walked into the darkness of his room.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A teeny tiny chapter, mostly to get to know Tyler's thoughts and person a little more. Next chapter will be longer and be released faster. Enjoy!

-Time Jump- Kitchen Sink

"For God's sake, Carl, put that bottle down for one second." Josh's mom yelled, she was towering over his father where he sat hunched with his beloved spirit. They were all located in the kitchen, Josh's dad by the table, his wife over him and Josh by the kitchen sink, doing the dishes. They had just been enjoying their usual quiet dinner, Josh's mom sometimes trying to make conversation, Josh's dad grunting in response and Josh sitting in silence. 

"Get off me, woman, maybe if you did I wouldn't feel like I needed it." Josh's dad growled, swinging his arm, without looking up, to where he thought his wife would be. She avoided his swing.

"Now, hush, Carl. You're scaring Josh when you act like this." Josh's mom growled back, looking over to her seven year old son, eyes showing more annoyance than worry. Josh's dad huffed.

"This is the only time he hears me speak. He won't talk to me and I have nothing to say to him. Am I to blame for that? I don't think so! Now, Josh, you- you come over here, I have something to say." he slurred and wave his arm clumsily to gesture Josh to get over.

"If you don't have something nice to say, you shouldn't say it at all." Josh mumbled quietly, but loud enough for his dad to hear.

"Is that why you won't speak to me, son?" his dad answered in a mocking voice "Think I'm a bad daddy? Well, I'll tell you this, your dad didn't raise his son to be a queer ass punk, like you, so until you're a man, don't consider me your father."

"Carl!" Josh's mom said through gritted teeth, sounded angry but not surprised "You don't mean that." But this time when Josh's dad swung his arm, she didn't pull back fast enough and got hit across the cheek. She moved with the hit and when she straightened up again she held her cheek but didn't say anything. 

"Oh, don't you try to play the good cop, you're with me on this one, you said it yourself." Josh's dad growled to his wife. Josh didn't look up from the dishes, said nothing but felt his lower lip quiver.

"He's only seven." his mom whispered.

-Real Time-

Josh had woken up in a bed that smelled differently and was warmer than usual. Without opening his eyes he snuggled deeper into the sad excuse of pillow that the ward provided, he wasn't going to be startled, because he was well aware that he in fact wasn't in his own bed, but in Tyler's. Josh limited his breathing, trying to make as little noise as possible, he didn't want to wake Tyler up because he really needed some alone thinking time. Because, woah, he was, in fact, in Tyler's bed and Tyler had curled up against Josh's chest during the night. And he had to keep his eyes closed because it felt so much like a dream, but it wasn't.

Just like he knew he didn't dream when he slept that night, it was another time jump, he knew this wasn't a dream. It's easy to separate them, one was an awful memory, another was a sweet wish. That's why laying in bed with Tyler felt like a dream, the air was thick, everything felt warm and Josh could feel Tyler's heart beat a different rhythm than his own. And Josh thought back at last night, which was a time jump he was finally willing to make and it had been dark but Josh remembered everything being illuminated with silver moon light. When he had stepped into Tyler's room, everything had been still, even the two of them stood still after Tyler had closed the door. It gave Josh time to overview the room, it felt emptier than any other room he had been in, the only decorations were the piles upon piles of paper on the floor. Some seemly untouched, some was crumpled into balls and most of them had writing on them. And Josh felt sorry for the out spilled thoughts on paper, he wanted to pick them up, read them, put them into files and never forget them. When he looked over at Tyler his thoughts must have been visible on his face because Tyler looked sad and exposed, Tyler walked quietly over to Josh without making eye contact and he stopped only when he was close enough for his nose to touch Josh's shoulder. They didn't embrace, but just stood like that for while and Josh wasn't even confused by it, it felt right.

Finally, Josh felt Tyler's fingers on his lower back, just where the hem of his t-shirt met his pants. Josh's breath hitched involuntarily, Tyler fingers stopped moving until Josh exhaled and he took that as a cue to slid them underneath his shirt. Slowly his fingers continued up his back, his shirt moving with them and soon his shirt was on the floor together with the now forgotten paper stacks. Tyler was still standing close, looking over Josh's shoulder, fingertips just barley touching his skin. Josh did the same procedure to Tyler and soon there was a red and blue shirt next to each other on the floor. Then Tyler gently nudged at Josh and he began to slowly walk backwards towards the bed, then the back of his legs hit the bed he sat down and looked up at Tyler who was still standing. Tyler finally looked back at him, eyes still sad but at least they were warmer than this cold, empty room. Then Tyler leaned down, pressed his face against Josh's neck and together they laid down on the bed, got comfortable and fell asleep like that.

Josh finally got around to open his eyes, he saw the same kind of popcorn walls and roof that this place was covered in. On some spots of the wall there seemed to be writing that had been erased, violent black letters with brighter paint than the rest over the wall covering them. He saw movement from the corner of his eyes and when he looked down he was met with Tyler's dark ones. Before Josh could even blink, Tyler was over him, pinning him to the mattress, face close and eyes intensely looking into his.

"Morning." Josh whispered, exhaling the breath he didn't know he had been holding. There were no longer any trace of the puppy-like Tyler that had been clinging onto Josh the entire night, but more like the Tyler that had kissed Josh that first time.

"Morning." Tyler whispered back, and Josh had a hard time reading his emotions but found himself getting more and more lost in the dark orbs of Tyler's eyes.

"Can I be honest?" Josh said, a little louder but maybe a little weakly, he continued before Tyler could answer "I just- I guess I don't understand you. That sounds harsh, but you have to understand, right? Like, one second you're tiptoeing through the tulips and then the next you look like you could kill. I understand, now, that you have a lot going on inside your head and I said I wanted to help. But that's what's scaring me, I don't know how and I'll be left never understanding you. I just wish I knew what could help you." Josh mumbled on in a quiet voice, then he was scared half to death when he heard the door open. Tyler laid down over Josh, covering him so who ever was at the door would think only Tyler was in the bed.

"Checks." a voice was heard, but then again, Josh couldn't hear much but his own heart beating like crazy, Tyler being this close and a nurse perhaps catching them in the act was too much for his heart "Oh, Tyler. Finally figured out what a bed is used for, haven't seen you sleep in it in forever. Is it the new boy that's working miracles?" the same voice said in a joking tone, and Josh was confused, what the fuck was he talking about.

"Get out, you pest." Tyler said in a half joking, half serous voice. Then he could hear a chuckling and the door closing, then Tyler looked back down at Josh.

"I think you're underestimating yourself, sweet pea." Tyler whispered, his mouth so close to Josh's that Josh almost arched into it "I don't understand it either, but I think you help, in some way."

"By getting you to sleep in your bed? Or what did that nurse mean?" Josh asked worriedly, eyes keep wandering down to Tyler's lips but then back into his eyes.

"It's a big step actually." Tyler chuckled, but then he became serious again "I haven't been good in quite some time. I am two sides of the the same coin, like I've got two faces. I'd like to believe that the real me is the nice side, but it has been so long, I don't remember who I was before I got this way. Sometimes I just get.. Blurry, and I can't control what I do, I don't give a fuck about what I'm doing, but then it's like I fall so deep into the darkness that I get back into the light on the other side. I don't know, I don't- I can't really explain it."

"I guess that's why you have a shit ton of papers with writing on them?" Josh slurred out, he really didn't mean to, but the tension was so thick, it could chock him.

Tyler rolled his eyes "No, I'm the editor of the local paper." he said with sarcasm, but then he smiled and Josh counted it as a win "No, you don't get to read it."

Josh pouted and that's when Tyler decided to kiss him again.

"Are you repulsed by what I am?" Tyler asked after the kiss, his voice a ghost of a whisper.

"No." Josh said honestly "I think- that I'm beginning to understand you, just a little thought. But it's a start."

Tyler kissed Josh once more in response.


	9. Chapter 9

Time couldn't be controlled, Josh knew that, maybe even better than anyone else. As a month passed, time would go fast, it would go slow and sometimes it felt like it went backwards. Looking back at the previous month, Josh would notice that some memories would be clear as day, while others -perhaps most- was a blur. He would remember what he would come to call 'the good times', like a good meal or every one of Tyler's kisses. But also like the time he woke up with a boner, and he stayed in his room the entire day sulking while the others maybe fun of him, especially Tyler with a certain glimpse in his eye. He remembered the first day it snowed, he had been looking out the barred windows and first he thought he had swallowed some weird pill before he realised it was snow. He remembered the day Frank appeared in the cafeteria, without warning which made Patrick spit out his soup in surprise, not to eat but to proudly announce that they had set a date for when he would be leaving, he remembered how Mikey's eyes had fired daggers.

Now, here they were, outside in the middle of the aftermath of a blizzard. Shoes already soaked, wrapped in a warm parka and a red scarf that almost covered his face, Josh walked with his hands tucked into his armpits and near Tyler, for warmth of course. It was hard to walk, since the path was just an ice death trap covered with fine snow. At least it was hard for Josh, he kept slipping left and right, Tyler was the only reason he didn't fall face first into ice. There were no comfort in looking up and seeing Mikey walking without problem on a wall of snow that had been shovelled away. 

"Jesus." he mumbled "Look at Mikey."

Walking in this 'snow paradise' was Josh and the usual gang, along with some nurses. Andy had his hands filled with Patrick who jumped around in excitement, he would send snow flying all around him and Andy had already saved him from falling once. In the back was Mr Trohman, a mixture of worry and annoyance showing on his face as he walked with difficulty on the ice. 

"You know," Josh continued "Taking us out for ice cream, in a blizzard, makes you wonder who the real whack jobs are."

Tyler chuckled, bumped his hip into Josh and saved him when he almost fell. That could get old real quick, Josh decided and glared at Tyler who smirked and winked. 

"I think it's kind of nice." Bob said from behind them, then he squeezed between Tyler and Josh "I mean, I think it's nice to do something nice on Frank's last day."

Then he hurried away towards Patrick, who was begging Andy to let him do snow angels, telling him 'it would be a great idea' and Bob joined in with the pleading. Josh didn't waste any time to get next to Tyler again, you know, for warmth. 

After what felt like an hour, but actually was twenty minutes, they reached the small town. Bob and Patrick didn't miss the opportunity to skip around with glee, which earned the group weird looks and Josh noticed that the people around them tended to keep themselves at a safe distance from them. Josh bit the inside of his cheek in silent anger. They reached the ice cream parlor, they all tried to walk through the door at the same time and Josh almost got crushed because of it. But when they were inside Josh had never felt such appreciation for warmth, he let out a low moan in relief, which Tyler of course heard and looked over with a 'what me face?'. Josh snorted and walked up to the counter with the rest of the loonies. Tyler walked past him, 'accidentally' poking Josh in the side and began looking at postcards with fake interest. Josh shock his head, walked up to him and leaned his chin on Tyler's shoulder so he could fake interest in the postcards too. But looking past the spinning rack of postcards he could see the last person he wanted to see, Mrs Neal and her son Mark, slurping on milkshakes. 

"Oh, fuck." he mumbled and did his best trying to hide behind Tyler, holding up his hand as if it would make him invisible. Tyler looked down at Josh, who was trying to make himself small, in confusion, but stayed put while looking around. 

At the front of the line stood Ray "I'm gonna have a peppermint stick." he told the cashier. 

"Yeah, me too!" Bob piped up "Can I have a peppermint stick?", the cashier mumbling in response as he wrote the orders down.

"No, it's just called peppermint." Frank growled, looking pissed.

"Peppermint dick!" Patrick said loudly, which made Bob laugh out load "Peppermint clit!" 

Andy hurried up to Patrick, embraced him in a form of quieting him down, the people sitting in their booths looked up with confused faces "Okay, okay, okay. We're just gonna have four cones." Andy said calmly and smiled to the cashier, Patrick buried his face into his big jacket and giggled "Josh, do you want anything?"

"Ehm, no, I'm fine." he said, waving towards Andy but not looking up. 

"Tyler?" Andy asked, Josh looked up at Tyler and saw that he was smirking. He hardly had anytime to react before Tyler was walking closer to the counter, he hid behind Mikey and watched as Tyler leaned over the counter.

"So," Tyler looked at the cashiers name tag "Ronny. Got any hot fudge?"

"Yes." the cashier said, slightly raising his eyebrows. 

"Yeah, can I have a vanilla sundae with hot fudge and sprinkles... rainbow, not chocolate." 

The cashier nodded, a little eagerly if you asked Josh. Then he saw Tyler pick up a cherry from the basket on the counter, he saw him taking it in his mouth and he saw the cashiers eyebrows really raise. 

"And, um," Tyler continued, and Josh wished he would stop "... whipped cream, cherries... and, um..."

"Nuts?" the cashier asked, and the group except the nurses and Josh began to laugh. The cashier looked around, confused and Josh could hear Andy trying to calm the group down by repeating 'okay'.

"Let's have a seat, boys." Andy said, Josh hoped far away from Mrs Neal's booth, when he glanced over to where she sat he could see her slightly shaking her head in disapproval, not towards Josh but to Tyler.

*

"Gerard thought that I should live in a halfway house." Frank said, continuing his never ending talking about moving, but it was he last day so they let him go on "But I told him that my father knew I deserved my own apartment. So he got me the coolest apartment. It has-" and Frank went on and on.

Josh luckily didn't sit in the same booth as Frank, but he still had him right behind him and he found it hard to block out Frank's talking. He looked over his shoulder with obvious annoyance, he saw Mikey sitting across from Frank and their eyes met. Mikey looked pissed of, with good reason, Frank had been talking about Gerard as a lover before talking about moving and Josh shot him an apoplectic look. He looked back to Tyler and Ray who sat in his booth, Tyler looked annoyed and didn't say anything, Ray had been looking kind of green ever since the Gerard conversation.

"Hello, Joshua." a voice was heard from the end of their table, Josh jumped with surprise and looked up at the person who had spoken. He wish he hadn't.  
"Do you remember me?" Mrs Neal asked, with a tone that didn't give a way much emotion "You must remember me." 

"Y-yes, Mrs Neal." Josh said shakily, he looked over at Tyler who raised his eyebrows and looked up at Mrs Neal with more interest than confusion.

"Josh, are you okay?" Andy asked from the other booth, Josh's fright must have been visible on his face, so he just lifted his hand in a wave.

"I-I'm fine." Josh assured Andy, then looked over to Mrs Neal and her son again "Hi, Mark. How's Radcliffe?" he asked out of politeness and smiled weakly.

"Wellesley." Mark corrected and nodded, so his parents had made him go to his father's old school, poor fucker, Josh thought "I'm enjoying it. I'm strong at art, going to the Sorbonne this summer."

"That's grea-" but Josh didn't even get to finish.

"You know, I know all about you." Mrs Neal said, almost growled, lowly and leaned closer "And I hope they put you away forever."

Josh felt like he had gotten a bucket full of ice water over him then got hit with the container. He looked chocked up at Mrs Neal and she looked dead serious, Josh was worried that she might go all the way to slapping him. But then a laugh was heard and of course it was Tyler's.

"Is this the professor's wife?" he asked and pointed at Mrs Neal, he looked way too happy in this situation. 

"What professor?" Mikey called from the other booth. Josh wondered in that moment why he had told Tyler, that stupid, curious jerk.

"Oh, so you told everybody." Mrs Neal said in a creepily steady voice and Josh looked back up at her and shook his head 'no' violently.

"Lady, back off." Tyler said, but he wasn't laughing anymore, he sound pissed off actually.

"Was I talking to you?" Mrs Neal snapped at Tyler, big mistake, Josh thought. Mark tugged at his mother arm, trying to get them to leave, but she persistently stood her ground.

"No, you were spitting on me." Tyler said matter-of-fackly "So mellow-fucking-out."

"Don't you tell me what to do." Mrs Neal said in a load voice, sounded like an angry parent and Josh was getting increasingly worried.

"Look, he gave your husband a blowjob. Big fucking deal!" Tyler fired back "I'm sure he was begging for it too, and I heard it was like a pencil anyway" he continued and waved his pinky up at Mrs Neal. Josh didn't know if he should be mad or impressed at Tyler, or if he just should stay worried.

"How dare you?!" Mrs Neal shrieked, angry as a bee and she pointed at Tyler. Tyler grabbed a hold of her wrist and her face turned from anger to dread in a matter of seconds.

"Some advice: Don't point your fucking finger at crazy people, okay?" Tyler said and smirked. Then Mikey started to bark like a dog, Josh looked back at him confused, but then Ray joined in and shortly all the loonies were barking and howling. Josh just sat in amazement.

"Let go of me!" Mrs Neal yelled and tried to break free, but Tyler had a good grip on her, and Josh couldn't help but to start laughing at the scene.

"Mother?" Mark said worriedly, he had backed away a few steps and was standing in front of Mikey's booth. In front of Frank, with an ice cream in his hand.

"Get that out off my face, you asshole!" Frank growled and backhanded the ice cream cone so Mark dropped it on the floor. And Josh was laughing like crazy by then. But then Andy came up to Mrs Neal and Tyler, he took a hold of Tyler's arm in an attempt to make him let go.

"Let go." Andy ordered Tyler and looked down at Tyler with the most angry face Josh had ever seen him in "Now."

Tyler let go, he looked as the mother and son rushed out of the parlor then he looked over to Josh with a triumphing smirk. The barking and goofy yelling carried on around them, joined by Andy's orders to stop and Josh looked back at Tyler, and he be damned if this wasn't the best visit to the ice cream parlor he ever been a part of.

*

They were walking back from the town. Bob and Patrick in even more excitement than what they were before, thanks to the sugar rush and drama. And for some reason the cold didn't bother Josh as much this time around, he could walk with his hands out in the open and he didn't even slip on the ice as much. The only time he was damn close to falling was when Mikey jumped on him from behind, wondering why Josh hadn't told him about his teacher kink. Josh wondered if it would be a good idea to shove Mikey's face into a pile of snow, but then again, Mikey was like an ice skater or something, so he settled with lightly shoving him off. Mikey laughed but didn't stop pestering him. Josh tried his best to ignore him and watched as Andy walked up to Tyler. He couldn't help but to overhear what Andy said.

"Did you enjoy the fresh air, Tyler?" Andy asked, Josh worried about what that meant.

"Yeah, thanks." Tyler said and smirked, like he knew exactly where this was going.

"Good. Because it's the last time you're leaving the ward." Andy smiled, and for once, that smile scared Josh. He looked between the two of them from where he was walking behind them, eyes huge and worried.

"Is that a dare?" Tyler asked, still smirking "Or a double dare?"

Andy didn't answer, just keep walking. The silent treatment was the worse answer, Josh decided.

*

"Okay, raise your arms." the nurse said, she was standing in front of a total of twelve patients, stretching her arms over her head "Very good. We're going to be trees."

Of course, none of the loonies took these exercise sessions very seriously, so when they mimicked the nurse they did it more as mocking than actually following directions. Josh stretched his arms over his head, looked over to Tyler who did the same but when he saw Josh looking he shook his hips and wiggled his eyebrows. The nurse at the front kept telling them that they were trees and how very good they were. Patrick stretched so far that he almost fell over, he recovered and giggled.

"Very good, Trick!" the nurse encouraged and smiled that typical nurse smile "Feel the stretch in your arms as the branches and reach those branches up to the sky. Very good!"

Tyler started to jump, hitting the air above his head with his fists. Of course, it was impossible for Josh not to notice when Tyler's oversized tank top revealed his stomach and chest as he jumped. But that was also Tyler's intention and Josh didn't want to give him the pleasure, so he looked away, out through the window. From the window you could see the courtyard and the driveway that he first arrived in with a cab, more than a month ago. But now he saw a different car parked outside the big double doors, he saw that the doors opened and people started to approach the car. He knew who the people were though, it was Frank's last day after all, he watched as Frank was led out by Gerard and Dr Wentz. Ray had also seen and he had walked up to the window and pulled back the curtains to see the scene better. Josh walked up too, and the rest of the group had lost interest in being trees to see what was going on. They watched as Andy walked up to Frank and embraced him, meanwhile Gerard packed Frank's luggage into the trunk of the car.

"That's not fair." Mikey growled from behind them, but then he yelled out "That's not fair!"

He continued yelling in anger and the nurse had gone from stretching to trying to calm Mikey down.

"That's not fair!" he yelled again, stamping his feet against the floor "Seventy-four is the perfect weight!"

Then he sat down on the floor and began to cry. Josh felt like his feet was glued to the floor, he looked down at Mikey who was burying his face against his knees. Mikey had never had a fit like this, he was always cool and in control. But now, seeing someone just as fucked up as him getting their freedom, that was too much. All that emotion that Mikey was letting out hit Josh like a train, he felt the self hatred that Mikey was feeling, he felt frustration and stress. Beside Josh stood Tyler, he was also looking down at Mikey, he looked out the window one last time, mumbling 'Good luck, crazy bitch' to Frank who was now opening the car door, before he walked up to Mikey.

"What kind of tree can you be down there on the floor?" the nurse asked Mikey, with great caution.

"I'm a fucking shrub, alright?!" Mikey snapped back, filled with sorrow and anger.

Josh looked out the window again and watched as the car drove away, leaving fresh tire tracks in the snow. Andy and Dr Wentz walked back through the doors together, talking and making hand gestures. Gerard stay where Frank had left him, looking after the car as it turned the corner and disappeared out of eyesight. You could see Gerard sighing deeply, uselessly kicking some snow, before walking back into the ward. Josh followed the tire tracks to where the car had last been seen.

"Good luck, you crazy bitch." Josh mumbled before turning around to go and comfort Mikey.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to post, sometimes I'm busy and when I'm not busy I'm lazy. Hope you enjoy it anyway!

Time would go faster and slower, as usual. Slower at the line to get meds, faster when he smoked, slower when he was alone and faster when he heard Tyler's laugh. The combination of the two made the stay at the Claymoore confusing and seemingly uneventful. But Josh would soon learn that it was better that way, better nothing happening than everything at once.

Josh sat in the TV room, but not at his usual spot scribbling away in his notebook, but hunched in front of the TV and lazily kicking Tyler's foot who was sitting next to him. It was a rainy afternoon a couple of days after Frank's big exit, nothing had happened since then and Josh was pretty sure nothing would for the rest of the day. Week? Month? Year? For the rest of his life? From the way he felt now he was pretty sure nothing would happen, his eyelids as heavy as his mind and time could go fast or slow, he wouldn't notice. He wasn't the only one though, Tyler looked incredibly dull and neither of them had the energy to talk, so Josh settled with his nudges with his foot as conversation. Most of the other patients were in their rooms, but outside the window on the yard you could hear the old man who sometimes escaped his ward to yell at the rain. Even Dr Wentz fell asleep during their therapy session, Josh had used his last energy to talk about his theory about quicksand of shadow, but he was interrupted when he heard the doctor's soft snores. That's when he lost his hope that anything good would happen that day. Now Josh contemplated if he dare dose off right where he were on the couch, with half lidded eyes he looked over at Patrick who of course was a ball of energy and wondered if it was worth the risk of getting embarrassing doodles on his face. His thoughts were interrupted a second time that day when he heard a voice from down the hall.

"Josh, you have a visitor." it was Andy's voice calling, he also sounded tired but there were still warmth and Josh looked over to where Andy arrived with presumably his mother. But what his eyes were met with made them double their size and chin drop. Beside Andy stood Brendon, eyes hopeful and he waved over to Josh. Josh slowly rose, holding on to the couch as support, he could see Tyler looking up at him confused from the corner of his eye. Josh almost became overwhelmed with anguish, about Brendon, about Tyler, about what the fuck he was wearing, his pyjamas.

"What the- what are you doing here?" Josh asked and squinted his eyes like it would make him see someone else. But then his body started moving on it's own and before he knew it he had rushed up to Brendon and was looking at him up close. There was no doubt now, it really was him. Brendon looked unaware of Josh's confusion, he just looked happy and he gladly took a step closer to Josh.

"Hi." Brendon breathed out, like he had been holding it, then he smiled "I ship out next week." he explained and pulled out a single, flowerbed picked flower from behind his back and offered it to Josh. He could just as well offered him a ring, Josh was looking at the flower with the same amount of shock, but he robotically took it anyway. Without looking up at Brendon or back at Tyler, he grabbed Brendon's jacket and led him to his and Ray's room. Josh knew that Ray were in Bob's room and Josh couldn't talk with Brendon with everyone watching. Josh lightly pushed Brendon inside the room, Josh walked in after him while he ran his hand through his hair, then he closed the door behind them. He sighed and looked over to Brendon. Brendon was shifting his weight from one foot to another, smiling nervously and he had a certain glimpse in his eye. Josh shook his head slightly for no particular reason and walked over to his dresser. He pulled out some half decent clothes and then he looked over at Brendon, gesturing him to turn around so he wouldn't stare at him while he dressed. But as he put on his clothes on he caught Brendon glancing back at him, Josh let it pass since he was too exhausted to even sigh. He put on his t-shirt on, harshly pulled his snapback on and turned to Brendon. 

"This is just too fucking.." Josh began but stopped frustrated "I- I thought you were dead, it was reported and I saw it on TV and.. Shit." 

"You make it sound like you wish I was dead." Brendon said in a quiet but joking voice and glanced down at Josh. 

"Don't be stupid," Josh huffed and ignored the way Brendon smiled and bit his lip "I mean, how did you even find out that I was here?" 

Brendon laughed "It's not exactly a secret anymore, not since and I quote 'Mrs Neal got attacked by a gang of aggressive freaks when she sat innocently and enjoyed ice cream.'" 

"Innocent, my ass." Josh grunted but then he chuckled lightly "And she was devouring a milkshake, not ice cream." 

"I have missed you, Josh." Brendon blurted out and took a step towards him, Josh froze in his spot "As soon as I heard that you were locked up in this place I knew I had to see you again, before I ship out, I don't know when I will be coming home. Maybe you would have slipped through my fingers again." 

"Brendon-" Josh started but couldn't finish because the door opened and with wide eyes Josh watched as Tyler strolled into the room. With a sly grin and movements like a panther approaching it's prey, Tyler walked up to the two of them after closing the door behind him silently. 

"Kinda rude not to introduce me to your boyfriend." Tyler said, Josh could hear the venom in his voice but Brendon seemed unaware, since he reached out his hand to Tyler, like he expected him to shake it. Josh knew better but stayed put and watched the scene unfold. 

"Brendon is the name." Brendon introduced himself and after a while he let his hand fall to his side, unshaken "And you are?" 

"Tyler." he answered, he looked from Brendon to Josh then back again "So tell me how you lovebirds met, huh?" 

"He's not my boyfriend." Josh muttered and stared down at his feet, frowning. His heart dropped when he heard Brendon speak up. 

"Not yet!" he said and laughed, Josh felt like he could puke at any second. 

"Motherfucker." Tyler said and Josh looked up, he got frightened by the way Tyler smiled at Brendon. 

"E-exuse me." Brendon said and laughed nervously, confused by what Tyler had said, it seemed like he started to understand that something was going on. 

"You may not have heard this on the streets of the gossip bitch village you came from," Tyler gritted and walked closer to Brendon "but here's the news, Josh is mine. And I know eavesdropping is bad but I couldn't help to hear the complete overjoy Josh had about you being alive. Now, everyone's different, take me for example, I dearly wish you were dead. But I guess I don't have to hope for much longer, next week-" 

"Tyler!" Josh yelled and at the same time the door opened again and Andy peaked in. 

"There you are, Tyler." Andy sounded bitter about it, Josh guessed that Tyler didn't exactly ask for permission to sneak in here "Now, you know that we don't disturb others when they have visitors, right, Tyler?" 

"But we are all such good friends!" Tyler laughed and threw up his hands, looking especially satisfied when he made Brendon flinch "And also, you should thank me, I caught them in the act, you know, THE act. Can't let the patients walk around making gay demon babies." 

"We did not!" Josh exclaimed, he could not decide if his face got red out of anger or embarrassment. 

"I believe you, Josh." Andy said and smiled, which calmed Josh down a bit "Now, you got grounds privileges, why don't you go get a cup of coffee in the visitors cafeteria." 

Josh looked uncertainly at Tyler, who looked like he could kill at any moment, but Andy presence usually prevented him from doing that. "We should probably get out of here." Josh mumbled, he took a hold of Brendon's jacket sleeve and smiled weakly at Andy before passing him, leaving Tyler alone in his room. He would worry about it later. 

*

The air was cold and frisk, the fallen leaves would dance around when small gusts of wind caught them but then be weighted down by the falling drizzle. Josh felt content, it had been a while since he used his grounds privileges and in some weird way time moved with the wind, in perfect harmony. Even though Josh felt weird feeling this kind of calmness, after all that went down inside the ward, he let himself enjoy this moment. Walking towards the cafeteria, Brendon had already tried to grab Josh's hand three times, but Josh would avoid his hand in a way he thought was smooth. They were now walking at, what Josh felt, was a comfortable distance, not saying anything but listening to the rain falling down at them. When they started passing the parking lot Josh could feel a hand grab his sleeve and before he knew it Brendon was dragging him closer to the parking lot and farther from the cafeteria. 

"The cafeteria is this way." he said confused and pointed towards the building. 

"Just keep walking." Brendon whispered and smiled "My wheels are here." 

"Wait!" Josh said and stopped walking, dragging his heels into the gravel when Brendon tried to drag him further "What are we doing?" Brendon let go and walked a few steps closer to a car, presumedly his car, before he stopped and looked back at Josh hopefully. 

"We're going to Canada." he whispered and watched Josh's confused face before continuing "Josh, you're not crazy. Okay, you don't need to be here." 

Josh closed his eyes, feeling dizzy all of a sudden, this conversation couldn't be happening "I tried to kill myself, Brendon." 

"Y-you took some aspirin." Brendon defended, walking a few steps closer to Josh again. 

"I took a whole bottle of aspirin." Josh fired back, looking at Brendon again, searching answers he knew he wouldn't find there.

"And that buys you a whole year in this place?!" Brendon exclaimed and gestured up at the ward "Josh, that's bullshit, okay? They are breaking you." 

Josh suddenly had a hard time breathing. He realised that it had been a long time since he cried, but he remembered clearly how it felt now. First it would be hard to breath, up until the point that you had to make ugly noises just to get some air, then the tears would come. Josh couldn't look at Brendon anymore, he looked up to the grey skies, who were also shredded tears. 

"Come on, alright." Brendon went on, his voice got louder and more frustrated "Everything's changing, man. What the fuck do they know about being normal?!" 

"I-I have friends in here." Josh said in a shaking voice, because they were they only thing he could think of now. And Tyler. Josh let out a shaking breath. 

Brendon looked taken aback "Who? Them?" he said and pointed up at the window where you could see Bob standing looking out "Those boys, Josh, they are eating grapes off of the wallpaper. They're insane." Josh glanced at the window where Bob stood, he caught a glimpse of Tyler's flowery kimono. 

"If they are." he said and looked back at Brendon "I am." 

"No, no baby." Brendon cooed and grabbed Josh forearm lightly, Josh felt tears stream down his face and he quickly wiped them away with his hand "Listen, come with me." Josh pulled away from Brendon, his hands balled up into tight fists and he practically shoved them into his eyes, he stood there, back slightly hunched, wishing he could disappear. 

"Look," Brendon hesitantly went on "My dad gave me five grand. Okay? We could go up there. We could build a cabin in the woods." he started to sound excited, while Josh started to sniffle "Look, I know that this sounds crazy... but I think I love you. So come with me, okay?" Brendon had once again grabbed forearms, he bended down so he was at Josh's eye level, even though Josh covered them with his fists. Josh said nothing, the only sound was from his rough breathing. He felt Brendon let go of him, he heard him back away slightly. 

"You- you wanna leave, don't you?" 

"Yes." Josh whispered, he let his hands fall to his sides and he looked up at Brendon, a gust of wind hurt his watery eyes and his lip shivered "I want to leave... But not with you." 

Josh started to back away, towards the ward, watching Brendon's doleful expression. Josh kept shaking his head slightly, drying tears off his face and repeating apologies. 

*

Josh slowly walked through the corridor with a nurse by his side, he wasn't allowed to walk alone all the way to his floor, even how much he wanted to be alone. When he had entered the door that led into the ward the nurse had gestured him to follow him half heartedly, they didn't speak as they walked together up to their floor, the same way he had walked with Andy that first day. The nurse pulled out a keychain when they reached the top of the stairs and the door, he unlocked it and let Josh through before walking in after him. After that Josh was left alone as the nurse hurried down the hall while Josh stood frozen for a while. When he felt ready he began to walk to his room, he reached up his hand and fussed with a lock of his hair, it was the best way to hide his tear stained face from anyone to see.

It felt like an eternity before he reached his door, as he opened it he prayed to God that Ray would still be at Bob's and for once his prayers were answered. He slowly closed the door behind him and leaned against it. The room was filled with shadows of falling night, Josh wanted to be consumed by it, to just fall asleep. But then he saw something darker than the wall beside him, he jerked away from the door with fright and hit his leg on the sharp edge of the dresser. He cursed and leaned down to put his hands on his aching leg, but then he quickly remember the silhouette. He turned around, a little too violently because the next second he felt dizzy and had to put a hand on the dresser to hold himself up. He looked over and he saw the same dark figure, a dark figure that leaned against the wall beside the door and were smirking. Tyler.

"What the fuck-" Josh began pained and sighed "Were you hiding behind the door? What are you? Fucking twelve?"

"Wow, a little hostile there, Joshie." Tyler chuckled "I just wanted to help you pack. You and your knight in shining armor are romantically running away into the sunset, aren't you?"

"Tyler, I-not now." Josh said flatly and took off his snapback to run his fingers through his hair, he was exhausted, of course Tyler had witnessed the scene. 

"What? Are you staying?" Tyler said and faked a surprised expression, comedically gasping and covering his mouth with his hand.

"I said not now, Tyler. What's so hard to understand?!" Josh growled lowly and glared at Tyler. Tyler's own expression went from playful to pissed off.

"Why did you stay, huh, Josh?" Tyler asked and pushed himself off the wall to slowly approach Josh "It was such a perfect getaway too, everyone would stop looking for you pretty fast, maybe saying you committed suicide. So why did you stay when you could be free? Can you please fucking tell me that?" 

Tyler were now standing just a few inches from Josh and Josh closed his eyes, hoping everything would disappear with the darkness from behind his eyelids.

"My parents put me here and I don't-" Josh whispered, not opening his eyes when Tyler interrupted him.

"Don't give me the 'my parents' bullshit." he growled, closer than Josh expected.

They stood in silence for a while, Josh refusing to open his eyes even though he felt Tyler stare intensely at him. Josh wanted to hide his face, his face that was swollen and ugly from crying, but he stood still and tried to focus on breathing without sniffing. The room was quiet and cold, only the echo of the clock counting down seconds reminded Josh of what had happened, it felt like a small eternity between each stroke. He didn't want to think about it, about the fact that he could be free, about why he had stayed.

"You don't know why you stayed, do you?" Tyler murmured, Josh could feel Tyler's warm breath on his forehead and Josh almost leaned in, but instead he just squeezed his eyes shut tighter and shook his head. "You hurt my feelings, sweet pea."

Josh hadn't expected Tyler to say something like that, which made him finally open his eyes to shoot a confused look up at Tyler. Tyler seemed pleased by the reaction, it encouraged him to reach up his hand to Josh's chest and nudge him backwards. Josh who still were slightly confused, obeyed without realising by starting to move backwards, farther into the room while he still frowned up at Tyler.

"You see, I just happen to know why you stayed. It seems quite obvious to me actually.." Tyler went on, blank expression while he continued to lightly push Josh into the room.

"What are you talking about?" Josh asked, but it came out more like a whine and before he knew it his legs hit the edge of his bed and Tyler pushed him down on it. Josh just laid baffled on his back, looking up at Tyler, for a second before scrabbling up to support himself on his elbows "What are you-"

"Will you shut up." Tyler murmured huskily, his face almost fully covered with shadows but the moon still reflected in his eyes "Don't you want to know why you stayed?"

And then Tyler's lips were finally back at Josh's and Josh couldn't respond fast enough even by immediately kissing him back. Tyler still stood in front of Josh, towering over him as he ran his fingers through Josh hair, pulling harshly, which made Josh moan from the sensation. That sound made Tyler go insane, he opened his mouth, knowing Josh would too and once again their tongues met. Josh arched his chest up until it met Tyler's, he was just about to reach up his arms to wrap them around Tyler, but the lack of support for their weight made Tyler fall down over Josh on the bed. That didn't break the kiss though, only made it more intense and aggressive, Josh struggled to scramble up on the bed more to give them more space and Tyler followed without breaking the kiss. Eventually Josh's head hit the bed's headboard, hard, which made him winch and break the kiss. Tyler didn't stop though, but moved down Josh's neck, biting and sucking, hands traveling up under his shirt, then he dug his nails into his back and pulling down. Josh's mouth opened with a mute moan, he had to bite down on his lip to not actually scream out and attracting any attention from outside the room.

"Tyler." Josh breathed out, dragging his nails from Tyler's neck down to his shoulders "W-we can't do this, not now. C-checks a-and-"

"Gerard's on night shift tonight," Tyler said huskily from Josh neck, he could feel his warm breath on his now wet neck "he always smokes for about a half hour before entering the ward, but those sessions has become longer since Frank left." he chuckled and went back to Josh's mouth.

Josh gave in, melting under Tyler and were prepared to do anything Tyler said. He felt so warm, everywhere Tyler touched sent a fire through him and he couldn't get enough. What was worst was that Tyler's thigh was pressing down in between Josh's legs and he was embarrassed of how fast he was growing hard, a reasonable person would have asked Tyler to stop but he couldn't. He didn't want to, he really didn't want to and that was the first time he admitted that to himself. He felt Tyler's hands go down again, only to grab a hold of the hem of Josh's shirt and he starting to tug it off. Josh let him, let him do anything. But he still took the opportunity to bring up another concern when Tyler broke the kiss to pull Josh's shirt over his head.

"What if Ray comes back." Josh panted, he looked up at Tyler, feeling how hard it was not to just kiss him and not worry about anything else.

"He did come back." Tyler chuckled and looked back down at Josh, pupils blown with lust and adrenaline "Almost scared the living lights out of him, then I.. kindly, asked him to take a hike and find somewhere else to sleep."

Josh could see Tyler's eyes slowly drifting down, to his naked chest and he breathed out a low curse. Josh wanted to do the same to Tyler, so he stroke his fingers down Tyler's back until they found the hem and he started to pull it up. But before he knew it, Tyler had grabbed a hold of his wrists and was pinning them on either side of him. Josh looked confused and disappointedly up at Tyler, he just quietly shook his head and released Josh's wrist before bringing them down to his buckle. Josh's breath hitched when he felt his pants being unzipped and Tyler's hand going underneath the fabric of both his jeans and boxers to massage his hipbones. By then Josh couldn't keep quiet but had turn his head to moan out into his pillow, tightly shutting his eyes. Tyler continued to drag his hands down, down to his thighs, then to his knees and ankles until he could pull off all clothes completely. Then he sat up on his knees, looking down at Josh who still had his head turned and eyes closed, Josh knew that if he looked up at Tyler he would see a big smirk. Here they were, Josh fully naked and hard, while Tyler hovered over him, fully clothed but still bother. Josh still felt hot all over.

"You aren't thinking of your boyfriend, are you, Josh?" Tyler asked in a low voice, obviously beyond pleased over his work sprawled out underneath him.

Josh just shook his head 'no' into the pillow, squeezing his eyes shut tighter. That's when he felt something come in contact with his dick and quickly realized that it was Tyler's hand, Tyler's long, soft fingers. And that time when Josh moaned he wasn't pressed into the pillow as much and the sound echoed in the room. Tyler wrapped his hand around Josh's dick as a form of reward and watched as Josh's stomach muscles clenched and chest going up and down from panting.

"Who are you thinking about then?" Tyler went on, slowly starting to move his hand and his free hand went up to Josh's head to make him face up at Tyler. Josh opened his eyes to be met by Tyler's and he had to moan again just by the sight.

"You, Tyler, only you." Josh panted out and he could feel himself starting to sweat as a tiny sensation started to build up at the pit of his stomach. He moaned again when Tyler increased the pace.

"And you don't want anyone here except for me?" Tyler continued, not breaking eye contact, even as he slid his thumb over the head of Josh's dick and watched as Josh's eyes almost went to the back of his head for a second.

"No!" Josh nearly yelled and the sensation below his stomach increase and increase, sending out sparks all over inside his body.

"Now," Tyler bent down to hover just over Josh's face as he continued to stroke and picking up the pace, feeling Josh's hot gasps on his lips "who did you stay and sacrifice your freedom for?"

And at that moment, just as he felt so close to climax, it was clear for Josh too "I stayed for you, Tyler." Josh answered, surprisingly steady and sure of himself.

Tyler leaned all the way down to kiss Josh's open, wet mouth again and like that, Josh came, moaning loudly into Tyler's mouth. Tyler kept moving his hand a while after Josh's climax, ignoring the cum that had come on his clothes, hand and Josh's stomach. He just kept kissing him, stroking his tongue with Josh's, listening to every sound that escaped him. After a while they stopped moving, Tyler rested his cheek on Josh's and listened as Josh's breath started to steadily slow down. But then Tyler had to pull back to look at Josh's face, he looked sleepy, with half lidded eyes he looked back up at Tyler.

"Mine." Tyler whispered, barley audible, but Josh heard it clearly.

"Yeah." he breathed out, so exhausted, but he still managed a smile "Yours."

Then Tyler pulled of his own t-shirt and whipped clean his hand and Josh before throwing it down on the floor. Next his pants came off with his socks, they joined the shirt on the floor. Then at last he could lay down on Josh's chest, listening to his heartbeat and the two of them let sleep and darkness consume them.


	11. Chapter 11

Sometimes when you wake up, you don't open your eyes. You don't because you want to continue dreaming, maybe you want to ignore the day's responsibilities or the fact that it's a new day in general. Sometimes you wake at night, noticing right away, because the darkness behind your eyelids matched your nightmares, you might be scared to open your eyes for what you might see. Josh was in one of those states now, this one was a little harder to explain, because he didn't know why he didn't open his eyes. It felt as if he opened them, he would remember something, something would come flooding back and for once he felt completely content in being surrounded by unknown darkness. He heard soft noises though, like silk moving around in front of him and then he felt a light breeze ghost over his face, which made him open his eyes in reflex. 

Before his eyes could adjust, all he could see was a warm color of blue, which he then reregistered as moonlight. And just as Josh had thought, he remembered something, someone, Tyler. Tyler was sitting on Ray's tidy bed, knees to his chest, his body facing Josh but his face facing out the window. Josh quietly studied him from where he laid under his covers in his bed, watching Tyler's face, which was highlighted by the moonlight while his neck was almost black from shadows. Tyler was once again wearing his flowery kimono, this time he was wearing only that, but the shadow covered him, the shadows dressed him, devoured him.

"Why do you like me?" Tyler whispered, so quietly that Josh could have mistaken it as his own thought, his mouth almost not moving while speaking made it seem like he must have thought it. But Josh knew that he had heard it, only because of the voice, it was as though his ears searched for that voice in particular. Tyler had moved his head just an inch, still looking out the window, but this time a shadow was shown on his face, the shadow of the barred window.

"I just like you." Josh whispered back, his hand clenching his comforter a little tighter, like the words needed extra effort "That's all."

Tyler kept looking out and Josh must have only imagined the warm light of the moon turning cold.

*

Josh was awakened by a blood curdling scream, the adrenaline and fear that shot through his body almost hurt, how it turned his sleeping mind into panic. At the same time he felt warmth leave his side and he was left a little colder, his chest missing the touch of whatever had made him warm. As his eyes shot up, he also struggled to come up to a sitting position, the confusing darkness and sudden movement made his head spin. It seemed to take longer than usual for his eyes to adjust, when the did he saw Tyler standing calm by the open doorframe,looking out at whoever was screaming. Josh was frozen for a second, like he was stuck in a state of half sleep, but he quickly came to his senses when he heard voices joining the screaming. Standing up by the edge of his bed, Josh got yet again confused when he saw he was naked, until he remembered and he stressfully and blindly searched the floor for his clothes. He found his pyjamas pants laying half way under his bed, pulled them on while at the same time trying to approach the door, which made him almost slip and fall on a dirty sock. 

After his great struggle he finally reached the door, steading himself on Tyler’s shoulder, who had watched the scene in front of them without looking back at Josh. Josh now saw the source of the scream, of the rustling and voices that had been added to the commotion. Josh watched as three nurses struggled with a fourth person, a patient, Bob.

”My face! My face!” Bob screamed from the top of his lungs, thereafter letting out a nasty sob ”I’m ugly.”

They were in the corridor, right outside Bob’s room, the nurses tried to steady him but as innocent he might seem at times he was still a strong male and one nurse had to pin him down with his entire bodyweight while another one secured Bob’s hands behind his back and another held down his feet. Bob continued screaming while the men carried him down the corridor, towards what Josh quickly realized was the room Tyler got locked inside of that first day. When they reached the door, the nurse who held Bob’s legs used one hand to unlock and open the door and then they went in together. The door was pushed after them, but no so it closed properly so the corridor continued to echo with now a little more muffled screams. 

Josh and Tyler wasn’t the only ones peaking out their doors, Josh caught sight of Ray but when he saw that Tyler also looked over he saw how Ray’s face twisted into light fright and he retrieved into Mikey’s room. Josh looked back at the door that tried to hide away Bob, before looking back at Tyler.

”What the hell was that?” he asked in a tiny voice, feeling like no air had entered his lungs for the past minute. 

”Hey, what did you expect?” Tyler said and raised his eyebrows before looking down at Josh ”A handsome man coming to the ward, completely ignoring everyone but one beautiful patient, asking him if he wants to run away. It takes a toll on some self confidence not being that beautiful patient, especially on one who didn't have any to begin with.”

”He’s having a fit because Brendon didn't choose to run away with him?” Josh asked, sounding surprised and somehow guilty. Maybe it was pity. 

”It was the last drop I guess. Nobody chooses him, which makes him feel like a monster, an ugly, deformed monster.”

”God.” was all Josh could muster as he looked back at the door in time to see the nurses leaving the room, locking it and walking in a fast pace down the hall. ”Wasn’t Gerard on duty tonight?” he asked absent-mindedly when the men turned the corner and were no longer in sight. 

”Probably called 'the muscles' as soon as he heard it was Bob screaming, I think he still has a scar on his arm since the last time he tried to help steading him, one of his first days at work, actually.” Tyler explained, looking sort of bored as he stood with his arms crossed and body leaning on the doorframe ”If I know Gerard, he’s probably already half asleep again.”

Then he pushed himself off the doorframe and started to nonchalantly walk down the corridor, towards the nurse’s office. Josh looked after him, but for once his first instinct wasn’t to follow him, but he decided instead to run on the tip of his toes down to the door that hid away Bob. He leaned his forehead against it when he reached it, through it he could hear Bob’s gross sobbing, he could hear words being spoken but he couldn’t make them out. He sunk down to the floor until he was sitting on his knees, he lightly knocked on the door with the tip of his fingers, the sound hardly even there but it made Bob’s sobs stop for awhile.

”Bob, it’s me, Josh.” Josh whispered and immediately regretted it since the sound of his name seemed to make Bob cry with even more force. ”Hey, hey. There’s nothing to be sad about! Not as long as we are here, you’re not alone.” Josh continued, trying to sound chipper, but there was no longer any response from Bob, other than his cries.

”If talking did shit, he wouldn't still be in here.” Josh could hear someone say from behind him, he didn’t need to turn around to know it was Tyler but he did anyway. Tyler was looking down at Josh who was sat hunched at his feet, he smirked before opening his fist to reveal a keychain dangling in his hand. 

”Where'd you get those? Did Gerard just give them to you?” Josh asked, voice filled with confusion and suspicion.

”Let’s just say that Gerard is a heavy sleeper.” Tyler giggled, clearly hiding something from Josh but then Bob’s sobbing was heard again and Josh got an idea.

”Can I have those keys for a second.” Josh said, his voice lighted up and eyes seemed to sparkle.

”They don’t lead to that door if that’s what you think.” Tyler said matter-of-factly and nodded to the door in front of them. 

”Yeah, I figured that much.” Josh said and rolled his eyes before jumping up and successfully snatching the keys from Tyler’s grip. Josh snook down the hall, hearing Tyler’s silent complaining followed by footsteps following him.

Josh reached the nurse’s office, he leaned over from the wall to glance in through the window. He saw Gerard, he sat on an uncomfortable-looking chair with his feet resting on the back of another chair, he was obviously asleep. The only noise that was heard came from the small TV that was positioned in the small space of the office and the soft snores would sometimes escape from the sleeping man. Josh jumped when he felt long fingers grip his waist, his head snapped back and he was met with Tyler’s grinning face, Josh huffed at him and wriggled out of his grip before continuing down the hall. He stopped when he stood in front of the door that led to the art room, Tyler caught up with him and raised his eyebrows while Josh tried different keys until he found the right one to unlock the door. Josh opened the door and ushered Tyler inside, Tyler let him, he looked seemingly amused while he studied Josh as he tip toed up to the fence that locked away the instruments. If Josh knew that Tyler had slipped sleeping pills to Gerard he wouldn't have to sneak around, but Tyler kept that secret from him to entertain himself. Josh unlocked the fence and slowly raised it so he could get in under it, Tyler followed.

It was darker in the small space where all the instruments were, every instrument casting their own shadow from the slight moonlight that reached in. Josh carefully avoided knocking any of them over as he made his way up to the piano. To Tyler’s surprise, and once again entertainment, Josh leaned on it, as if he were trying to move it. He struggled, using all of his weight in trying to push the piano the way he wanted, his naked feet not getting any grip and slipping on the floor.

”What are you doing?” Tyler finally asked with a sigh, not even trying to hide his amused smirk.

”Trying to move the piano, what does it look like?” Josh snapped and glared at Tyler, who was a useless partner in crime, just standing there and not helping.

”Why are you trying to move the piano? It doesn’t even have wheels.” Tyler said and stuck his hands into his pants pockets, swinging on the balls of his feet. 

”If I tell you, will you help me?” Josh exhaled, exhausted by the effort. 

”Maybe.” Tyler said.

”Well, I just thought that Bob might cheer up with some music. You said talking didn’t help, so maybe music, I don’t know, I just thought you could play something.” Josh explained, sounding more and more anxious as he talk, the whole thing was probably a bad idea.

”So, you went through all the struggle to sneak on the tip of your toes all the way over here, to push a piano out in the hall and make me play it?” Tyler asked and once again feeding off the funny, confused faces that Josh was making. It didn’t seemed like he had thought that far ahead.

”Well..” Josh began and furrowed his eyebrows, looking down at the piano ”By the time we made it that far into the plan, I figured it would be to late for anyone to stop us.”

It was quiet for a moment, Tyler continued to balance back and forth on his heels while watching Josh.

”I don’t know..” Josh mumbled to break the silence ”It was a stupid idea.”

Tyler sighed, rolled his eyes and went over to the wall, feeling Josh’s confused gaze on him the entire time. He took down the wooden ukulele from the wall, hitting the strings a couple of times, making sure it was tuned. He then turned around, picking up a tambourine from the floor, which he then gave to Josh when he walked up to him. Josh took it with a questioning look, curious even. Tyler motioned for Josh to follow him, he did and they walked together back to Bob’s door.

Tyler sat down with his legs crossed, holding the ukulele close to his chest, looking up at Josh and waited for him to join him on the floor. He did in a daze, curious out of his mind, Tyler could play the ukulele too? Why didn't he know that?

”Ever heard of Elvis, Joshie?” Tyler asked when they both sat and had listened to Bob’s quiet sobs for a while.

”Yeah.” Josh answered without looking away from the white door ”He’s the guy that does the thing with his hips, right?” 

”No, that’s me.” Tyler mocked and giggled at his own joke ”Anyway, you know of a little song called ’Can’t Help Falling In Love'?” Tyler asked, the question made Josh smile.

”I didn’t think that was your choice of music.” Josh said, half teasing, half honest. 

”I’m gonna take that as a ’yes’.” Tyler said and then it was quiet for a while, until soft chords from the ukulele was heard.

The sounds hit Josh right in the heart, they were so genuine, so fresh to his ears. He felt chills when Tyler began to sing, he had heard the lyrics before, but never in a pained and shaking voice like Tyler's. Josh's gaze went past the door, looking at nothing as he listened to the sounds Tyler was making with both the instrument and his voice. And that's when time slowed down, slowed down to a crawl, because Josh remembered, he finally let himself think back to last night. His mind didn't wander to Brendon, or the fact that he had told him that he loved him, not even that he could have been free. But he thought of Tyler, the one he confessed that he stayed for, the one that had made him feel so good and not even demanded something in return. Tyler who would sometimes be shallow, now sat next to him on the floor, singing out loud, which he had said he didn't do, just to cheer up Bob. Josh thought about what might had been a dream, or it might been real when Tyler asked why Josh liked him, but it felt more likely that it had been a dream. 

Josh was thrown into real time, just in time to hear the words that were just perfect timed.

'But I can't help falling in love with you.'

Then Tyler paused, Josh glanced back at him and saw that he was listening to the lack of Bob's sobs, he must be reacting to the music. Tyler met Josh's eyes, unaware of the mental realization that had happened inside Josh's mind, then Tyler waved his hand in front of Josh's eyes because he must have thought he zoomed out again. Josh nodded absently and gripped the tambourine harder, he watched as Tyler nodded the rhythm with his head, counting them in. Then, on the same beat, they continued the song. 

The song seemed to be over in the blick of an eye. The both of them sat in complete silence, Josh's ears were ringing by the void of sound, but it was a relief that Bob had stopped crying. Light had started to flood into the corridor, the morning sun were casting a pink, almost purple glow and Josh turned his head again to look at Tyler. And with that glance he casted, seeing Tyler surrounded by surreal colors, looking messy and sleepy, Josh were lost, he were sure. He dropped the tambourine next to him on the floor, got on his hands and knees and slowly started to approach Tyler. For a moment, Tyler didn't seem to notice him, he seemed to be in a trance, staring at nothing before he seemed to snap out of it and met eyes with Josh. And like a dance, Tyler dropped the ukulele before Josh reached him and then they moved together. They met, then molded together, they synced, they kissed and touched. On the cold floor, with warm light, no sound and so many feeling, Josh let Tyler turn him over so he was on his back, Tyler protected the back of Josh's head from hitting the floor with his hand and kissed him again, this time leaning over him. Once again Josh was lost in his touch, but more important, he was certain, certain that he finally belonged.

And from behind the locked door, without knowing of the scene that unfold outside, Bob sat leaning against the wall next to the door. He had his knees pulled up to his chest, his arms wrapped around them and he slowly rocked back and forth. The tears he had shed had by now dried on his scarred cheeks and his mind had calmed down, not by the sedative the nurses had injected him with, but by the melody. The melody of that he wasn't alone, the melody that had reached him through his breakdown and dragged him out of it. 

And in the darkness of the room that only had one small window, Bob quietly sang out the song '-but I can't help.. falling in love.. with.. you."

*

Andy walked up to the South Bell, tired after another almost sleepless night. He wasn't bothered though, he thought back to his two boys trying to convince him that there were a monster under the bed. Well, after checking the space under the bed, the monster surely was in the closet, and so it went on until Andy were too awake to fall asleep, even when he laid in bed with his children clinging onto him with fright of the ghost-ghouly-monster hiding in the darkness. When he approached the ward, he thought it was odd that Gerard didn't stand outside smoking his usual 'let me give the report so I can get home as fast as possible' smoke. And when he entered the ward and continued up to his floor, he once again found it weird of how quiet it was, but he shrugged it off, thinking the monster had followed him to work. Chuckling, Andy unlocked the door and walked into the corridor, which was also quiet. Andy now accepted his suspicion and he slowly walked down the hall, listening after any of the normal sounds that normally would be heard. He reached the nurses office, unlocked that door too and walked into the small office to be met with Gerard, sleeping heavily. But Andy knew straight away that something wasn't right, he walked up to Gerard and even after forcefully shaking him, he didn't wake up. Something small and white was on he floor and Andy bent down to examine it, after squinting down at it he discovered that it was a strong sleeping pill. Andy flew up, not of fear but of anger, he knew Gerard wouldn't take those pills. Andy stormed out of the office, continued down the hall to the TV room, only to find it empty. He stopped and looked around. He saw something moving in the corner of his eye, and he slowly turned his head that way.

What he saw, he had never seen in all his years as an underpaid nurse. Laying on the floor were instruments that were supposed to be locked up in the art room, he also saw the keys that were supposed to be in Gerard's pocket, but then his eyes were met with two patients laying on the floor. Andy weren't even surprised of who the pair was, laying on a blanket taken from the TV room and resting each others head on the other. Tyler and Josh. He saw that Josh had woken up, he was laying frozen, looking back at Andy. Then he stormed up, left Tyler on the floor and ran into his room, slamming the door behind him. Andy hurried after, ignoring Tyler's sleepy but amused smirk from were he laid on the floor. Andy reached Josh's door, slammed it open, it swinged open with such force that in slammed in to the wall behind it. Josh had jumped up on his bed and had pulled the covers up over himself. The bang the door made frightened him though and Andy saw him peak out from under the duvet. Andy pointed his finger as him.

"I'm writing you up." Andy growled lowly, Josh could hear him fight back the anger he really felt "I am sick of this bullshit."

Then Andy turned around and walked out of the room again, closing the door forcefully behind him. Josh gulped as he heard more commission from behind his door. Josh didn't know what Andy could have meant with what he said. But he knew it wasn't good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to point out that they didn't have sex in the corridor, just some kissing-n-touching action. Thank you everyone who reads this story, even if I'm slow as heck at updating it.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Long time, no see... I'm so sorry, but I haven't abandoned this story, I think of it often, let's just say it's been an impossible year. Thank you for reading, once again!

-Time Jump- Outside the principal's office

Josh sat alone on a hardwood bench, hands on his bruised and band-aid covered knees as he slowly swinged his legs back and forth. His mother had left him in the empty corridor to speak alone with the principal inside his office. But the hollow corridor would echo the sound of a dropped pin, so their hushed conversation filled the cold air and seemed to bounce of the walls to hit Josh with force.

"You called me?" Josh heard his mother say and a scraping of a chair across the floor, the loud noise was followed with a slight silence.

"Indeed, I called you here for an incident that happened on the school grounds early this afternoon. Your son is the culprit." the principal's low voice droned, even his heavy breath could be heard through the walls. His weight and his sounds of an ogre made him fashionably teased by the students and got him names as 'Principal-Heavy-Load' and 'Ass Breath'. Some students even carved an extra feisty name on his small car, after that he earned the name as 'Flat-broke Piggy' because he still drove around with 'Fat Dick' on his right car door instead of having it fixed.

"Isn't 'culprit' a little harsh word to label a twelve year old as?" his mother asked, voice tired but still venomous in some degrees.

"Mrs. Dun." a heavy, wet exhale "I believe that children should be disciplined, in as early years as possible and harshly so they grow up to become suitable women and men. I believe that no child should ever get a chance to escape a punishment. I believe it's good for them."

"You believe many things." Josh's mom sighed, and he heard how she shifted in her chair "I believe I came here to hear what my son has done wrong so we both could get home before it gets dark outside."

"Very well, Mrs. Dun." the principal grunted and Josh heard the sound of paper being moved around "Joshua were caught bringing a small cat into the homeroom, which is, as you know, strictly a breach against the 'no pets' regulation. Miss Scully had to immediately call for the janitor who would remove the animal, but as he tried to separate the cat and your son, Joshua, in all his fury, cut a deep cut into the janitor's palm with a pair of scissors. Joshua retrieved a good smack from him, before he went outside to smash the cat's head with a stone."

Josh had stopped his legs from swinging, his whole body tense, his nails digging into his own palm.

"Joshua got sent to my office right away. He yelled about him saving the kitten from a stray dog and how they were friends." the principal chuckled "As if that would ever be an excuse and let him leave without a punishment. Quite the opposite. Mrs. Dun, your son has broken school rules, harmed an employe and he seemingly thinks it's the right thing to do, just for this small pest."

It was quiet again, Josh silently prayed that his mom would back him up and defend him, but his heart sank as he heard her voice say "What do you recommend me to do?"

"Your son needs to learn that what he tries to save, gets hurt, today as an example. The animal, the adults and his mother. I recommend you to get these ideas out of his head, that he can save something. He is turning in to an animal himself." the principal finished.

Josh opened his palm to see purple scars in the shape of his nails there. What he tried to save, he hurt.

\- Real time -

Josh sat in a stuffy waiting room, alone with a nurse and a woman by a typewriter. The clicks and clacks mixed with the tick and tock's from the clock filled the room, sunshine casted its light into the room, revealing every dust corn that danced in the thick air. Josh sat waiting, getting more and more aggravated.

"Is he here?" a female voice called, in a calm and steady voice. Josh looked up, first to the open door that contained Dr. Wick, then to the woman at the typewriter. The woman met his gaze and smiled.

"You can go in now." she said, she had an old woman's voice, that kind that was a little shaky and you expected a 'dear' after every sentence. Josh rose and approached the door. After him he heard the nurse whisper to the woman at the typewriter.

"What did he do?" she asked in a hushed voice.

"They drugged Nurse Way." the woman whispered back, the answer made Josh frown but he didn't stop in his tracks.

He entered Dr. Wick's office, it was huge, it made Dr. Wentz office look like a scrub. Josh stopped at the door opening, eyes finally finding a woman sitting at a big desk filled with organized papers, books and folders. The woman looked up, her eyes were soft and understanding, which made Josh want to trust her but he knew he should always be careful with his words.

"Good morning, Joshua." Dr. Wick greeted, her voice still soft and just a hint of smokey.

"Good morning." Josh greeted back, no need to be rude. Just yet.

"How are you?" she asked and smiled warmly before taking a cigarette up to her lips. Josh began to walk into the room, no longer interested its size or design.

"I'm fine, I guess." he answered, the standard answer said without much feeling behind it.

Dr. Wick didn't really acknowledge Josh's mundane answer, instead she grabbed a paper with her fragile hands "Sit down." she said while reading the paper.

Josh looked around, he found that a two person couch was behind him, facing of Dr. Wick's desk. It was one of those couches that were more for show than for sitting, he thought as he slowly sunk down into it. He was right. He tried to get comfortable without making too much noise or making too much movement, he stilled when he saw that Dr. Wick was looking up from her paper at him. So he just crossed his arms over his chest and looked back. Dr. Wick responded to his action by leaning her chin in her hand and slightly tilting her head.

"You look tired." she said, searching Josh's face. Josh decided that he didn't want to keep eye contact with this all-seeing woman.

"Bob freaked out last night," Josh said and let his eyes wander around without any goal "and we stayed up singing to him, Tyler and I."

"Have you become friends with Tyler?" Dr. Wick asked and ashed her cigarette.

"Why?" Josh asked annoyed, looking back at Dr. Wick "Is that bad?"

"Does it feel bad?" she asked calmly , the question made him snort without being able to stop himself, he quickly looked away to not expose himself further more.

"No." he answered instead.

"Before you came here, did you have many friends?" Dr. Wick asked, Josh didn't think it was a relevant question, but he answered it nonetheless.

"Not really." he said and scoffed a little in his uncomfortable sitting, face blank as to not give Dr. Wick any answers based on his expressions.

"Would you say that before you came here, your company mainly consisted of strange men?" Dr. Wick continued in that same calm voice.

"Does it say in there that I'm promiscuous?" Josh fired back and nodded to the files in front of the doctor.

"Why do you choose that word?" she asked and leaned forward a little, as of curiosity.

"How many do I need to sleep with to be considered promiscuous?" Josh asked, his throat stared to feel tight and dry "Textbook promiscuous, that is?"

"Well, someone who's compulsively promiscuous might being rumoured having engaged in a sexual act with a visitor in their room and then engaging in another sex act with a fellow patient during the same day." Dr. Wick explained, she leant back into her chair again without letting her eyes leave Josh.

Josh was stunned though, his mouth fell agape and a tiny sound came out. He shut his mouth and clenched his jaws, shaking his head.

"Am I in trouble for false rumours or for getting a handjob from a patient?" Josh growled, now was the time to be rude.

But to Josh's disappointment, Dr. Wick didn't seem repulsed by the question, but entertained. She smile and started to look through her papers again.

"Now, Pete says you have some interesting theories about your illness." she said then she looked up from the file and raised an eyebrow to Josh, he didn't know what that meant. "You believe there is a mystical undertow in life. 'Island of violence' behind your eyelids."

Josh sent daggers with his gaze by that. He didn't like others to read his notes.

"Yeah. Another one of my theories is that you people don't know what you're doing." Josh snapped, wishing he could leave and escape this woman.

"Still, you acknowledge a problem coping with this island of violence." she asked and pointed to his file.

"You know, I have a problem coping with this hospital." Josh growled lowly, he felt his heart starting to race "I wanna leave."

Dr. Wick looked concerned at that, but Josh didn't know if it was genuine or not "I can't do that." she said and frowned.

"Why not, I signed myself in, I should be able to sign myself out.." Josh tried, knowing it all was for not.

"You signed yourself into our care. We decide when you leave. You're not ready for it, Joshua. Your progress has plateaued." Dr. Wick explained, her words hit Josh right in the stomach. He focused on locking eyes on a spot on the rug, he struggled to keep his face straight, he felt anger or -

"Does that disappoint you?" Dr. Wick asked. Disappointment, that might be it. But Josh wasn't about to confess that. He looked up at Dr. Wick again with the slightest smirk.

"I'm ambivalent." he said in a sarcastic, fancy voice. "In fact, that's my new favorite word."

"Do you know what that means, ambivalence?" Dr. Wick asked, her face showing a nice mixture of confusion and entertainment.

"I don't care." Josh said.

"If it's your favorite word, I would have thought y-"

"It means 'I don't care!'" Josh said loud enough to be considered shouting "That's what it fucking means."

"On the contrary, Joshua." Dr. Wick said, not longer so amused "Ambivalence means strong feelings in opposition. The prefix, as in ambidextrous, means both." she continued and held up her hands as an example. Then she slowly made her way to a stand.

"The rest of it, in Latin, means 'vigour'" Dr Wick walked to a bookcase behind her desk and pulled out a thick book "The word suggests that you are torn between to opposing courses of action." she finished by the time she had walked up to Josh again, she offered him an open lexicon and pointed at a specific word. Josh just looked up at Dr. Wick's face, not accepting the lexicon.

"Will I stay or will I go?" Josh stated.

"Am I sane or am I crazy?" Dr. Wick agreed and put the lexicon in Josh knee. He refused to look down at it as Dr. Wick made her way back to her chair behind the desk.

"Those aren't courses of actions." Josh argued.

"They can be, dear, for some." she replied in a grave voice.

"Well, then it's the wrong word." Josh snapped and pushed the lexicon off his knee onto the empty seat beside him.

"No." Dr Wick said in a confident voice, making Josh look back at her again. "I think it's perfect."

Josh frowned at her as she rested her chin in her hand again. She suddenly started saying something in a foreign language, which made Josh believe she was about to sacrifice him to Satan or something.

"'What world is this?" Dr. Wick said, in english this time "What kingdom? What shores of what worlds?' It's a very big question you're faced with, Joshua. The choice of your life. How much will you indulge in your flaws? What are your flaws? Are they flaws? If you embrace them, will you commit yourself to hospital for life? Big questions, big decisions."

Josh started to feel dizzy, he couldn't hide his face from looking sick anymore. He felt tense, and he dug his nails into his palm, a bitter sweet pain.

"Not surprising you profess carelessness about them." she ended and Josh locked eyes with her once again, she seemed unaware of Josh's inner struggle, but Josh knew better, he knew she was well aware.

"Is that it?" Josh asked, with the last of his energy, he felt drained.

"For now." Dr. Wick said and went back to reading in her papers.

*

Josh was escorted back to his ward by the nurse who had waited outside Dr. Wick's office. On his way down the stairs from the office, they were met with Tyler who was led by the iron fist of Nurse Trohman. Josh and Tyler locked eyes, but no words were exchanged. Tyler did stop a little in his track but were quickly dragged along with Mr Trohman. Josh didn't now what he would have said to Tyler if he got the chance to. He felt torn.

*

Josh ended up wishing he would have said something to Tyler, though, said anything. Because Tyler didn't return from Dr. Wick's office. Josh had stayed waiting in the living room, which had a perfect view of the entrance door, but minutes soon turned into hours and the door never opened to reveal Tyler. By the time it grew dark outside, Josh had smoked half of his pack of french cigarettes, got up to study the clouds through the window seven times, scratch three small lines into the wooden part of the couch and snapped once at Mikey who tried to keep him company.

Josh sat with his knees pulled up to his chest on the couch when he finally had enough. With a deep sigh, which contained the hurt and worry he felt, he pulled out his hidden pills from his pockets. He had pocketed them there when the nurses didn't see, just like Tyler had done, and he hadn't flushed three days worth of pills. He studied the small pills in the light, really looking at them for once, before putting one after the other in his mouth and swallowed deep and with struggle he got them all down. He pushed himself off the couch, giving the doors he had been watching all day a last glance before he stumbled back to his and Ray's room with heavy feet.

*

He spent two days like that. Sitting near the door, waiting and hoping Tyler would return. Ray and Mikey would sometimes try to get him to come to the TV room but Josh was mute, he just turned his gaze away from them to the doors. One time Bob came skipping towards him, but he quickly went off crying when Josh sent him daggers with his eyes. The only comfort Josh would accept was when the nurses came with drugs, he would take them fast and when the nurses tried to get him to socialize he would fight back like a wild animal, refusing to leave his spot.

The third day, he didn't get further than to the TV room on his way to the living room, he felt dizzy and weak so he slumped in the couch in front of the TV. His friends and nurses seemed to count that as a win, but Josh was internally yelling at himself to get up and walk to those doors. But he couldn't. Bob had carefully come up to him to tell him about a postcard from Frank, he had apparently got a sweet pea dog. Sweet pea.

"Where's Tyler?" Josh mumbled, sounding drowsy and different from the last time he had heard his voice.

"Oh Josh, you know that.." Bob replied sadly "They moved him to another ward, that's it."

On the fourth day, Josh didn't leave his bed. The nurses had taken his clothes away from him and put him in a hospital gown because he refused to eat, the same punishment they gave Mikey and the others who hadn't eaten in days. He was alone in his room, Ray had left an hour ago, he had given up on trying to make conversation and was probably in the TV room with the others.

Josh passed his time watching his hands, the drugs made him fuzzy and drowsy, his thoughts didn't seem to separate from each other and everything in his head was mush. He had just scratched his index finger to the point that he had broken the skin and a small drop of blood escaped onto the white sheets, when he heard the doors open. He had given up hope a long time ago that it would be Tyler slipping through any doors nearby. It was still again, whoever that was by the door must be hesitating or maybe Josh had started to hear things.

"You know," he heard Andy's warm voice, closer than he had expected "I think you need to get up."

"'M gonna rest for awhile." Josh slurred in a rasping voice "Just for a little while.."

It was still one last time before Andy snaked his arms under Josh's body and lifted him up, bridal style. Josh honestly tried to fight, but came out as small complaining noises and slow kicks. Josh had no idea were Andy was taking him, until he was dropped into a tub filled with cold water. The shock woke him up and he struggled to get up to a sitting position, yelling out swear word and spitting out water.

"Fuck!" he screamed "What ar- "

Andy lightly pushed Josh's head under the water, not using any force, Josh retrieved from under the water again snorting out water from his nose.

"Sorry." Andy said, not sounding sorry at all "Too cold?"

"What the fuck are you doing?!" Josh screamed again, the hollow bathroom echoed his complains and splashing "Get me the fuck out of this tub!"

Andy was by the door, when he looked back at Josh "Get yourself out."

"Where's Tyler?" Josh roared, holding the tub so hard his knuckles turned white, his head twitched "Where the fuck is Tyler?!"

"What's the matter?" Andy asked and frowned as he approached the tub once again "Can't hack it without him?"

"You banished him for singing to Bob." Josh yelled back "We were trying to help him!"

_Everything you try to save, gets hurt._ Josh head twitched.

"We were trying to help him! This place is a fucking fascist torture chamber" Josh yelled until he was out of breath.

"No." Andy said sharply "See, I worked at state hospitals. This place is a five star hotel." 

Josh huffed and leaned back into the tub, kicking his legs so water sprayed everywhere, singing that song that Mikey usually sang to annoy Andy. Andy sighed and shook his head. 

"You know, I can take a lot of crazy shit from a lot of crazy people." Andy said and pointed at Josh "But you? You're not crazy."

"Then what is wrong with me?" Josh asked, not sounding convinced "What the fuck is going on inside my head!? Tell me doctor A, what's your diag-nonsense?!"

Andy got real close and towered over Josh, eyes serious "You're a lazy, self-indulgent little boy who is driving himself crazy."

"Is that your medical opinion? Huh?" Josh asked in a mocking voice "I mean, Pete doesn't have a clue. Wick is a psycho. And you- you pretend you're a doctor. You sign the charts and you dole out meds. But you aren't a doctor, Nurse Andy, you nothing but a blind puzzle piece of society,"

"And you're just throwing it all away." Andy said quietly and held Josh's stare until Josh couldn't hold it any longer and he looked away.

*

Josh had dreamt about Tyler coming back the past four nights, always waking up to believe it was real. He dreamt about them running away and living life adrift, making money by making music. That night, as Josh laid still wet from the cold bath in his bed, he longed to fall asleep to have one of those dreams again. He remembered when he was a kid and he would squint his eyes as hard as he could the night that Santa would leave presents under the tree. He squinted so hard, white spots started to appear behind his eyes and he would always think it was Santa's elves sprinkling sleeping dust on him so he would fall asleep. Josh felt stupid, but he did it now, as he dreamed to fall asleep and dream for real. He almost thought it worked, because he felt the bed dip, as if someone else joined him on the bed and Josh opened his eyes.

Tyler. Tyler was looking down at him and Josh felt his heart swell three times the size it had shrunk the last couple of days. But Tyler's eyes were wide and frightening, he looked paler and skinnier than he had since the last time Josh had seen him. His breath was cold as winter and was shaking as a leaf in a storm.

"If you stayed in this place for me." Tyler whispered "Would you run away from it with me, too?"

Even if this had been Josh's dream for the last days, he quickly realised that this wasn't a dream. 


End file.
